How Hedgies Have Fun in Suburbia
by starwars4life
Summary: Get a break from my drama stories in this light-hearted anthology set place after the Soul Mates Trilogy. Drawing heavy emphasis from the comic strip, the Over the Hedge characters are back and are ready to have some fun! But what fun is there without wreaking a little havoc on humans and family members? *Updated and revised to celebrate Over the Hedge's 10 year anniversary*
1. Taking Advantage of Human Negligence

_How Hedgies Have Fun in Suburbia_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Over the Hedge_ in any way; DreamWorks owns the movie, and the comic strip characters are the property of Michael Fry and T Lewis. Only the original characters belong to me.

**Chapter 1: Taking Advantage of Human Negligence**

**Note:**** The following chapter is based off the **_**Over the Hedge**_** comic strip dated July 14, 2013.**

RJ is paddle boarding on a body of water. The "board" he is standing on, however, is Verne as the turtle is floating on his back.

**Verne:** "This makes me nervous."

**RJ:** "Relax."

**Verne:** "We're out here in the open, in broad daylight, on the weekend. We're bound to get caught."

**RJ:** "Nobody's paying attention."

It turns out that RJ and Verne are in a pool with the other animals clustered somewhere in the backyard of a house.

**RJ:** "Like I told the family this morning: The key to exploiting suburbia is to understand that humans don't appreciate what they have. Look at this pool…"

RJ gestures at the water where the younger children are playing Marco Polo with the bat family. RJ also points to the side where the adult animals are sitting in beach chairs or on towels catching some rays with sunglasses on.

**RJ:** "Look at the grill…"

RJ points to the grill where Rogan and Ozzie are busy cooking hotdogs for lunch. Rogan has on a chef hat, whereas Ozzie is wearing a chef apron that has a red arrow pointing at the head and a slogan saying "This is what an AWESOME Bar-B-Q chef looks like."

**RJ:** "Look at the soccer net…"

RJ points to the grassy area of the backyard where the teenage porcupine triplets are busy playing soccer; boys against girls.

**RJ:** "Look at the hose-powered, inflatable water slide…"

RJ gestures at a Slip 'N Slide that Hammy is having a blast with.

**Verne:** "So it's _our_ obligation to appreciate it?"

**RJ:** "Yes." (Opens his arms in a philosophical and encompassing way) "Otherwise, all this goes to waste."

**Verne**: "Ah…So we're recreational recyclers."

**RJ** (smiles and nods yes)**:** "Exactly…"

Beyond the fence of the next yard, two human boys and a girl, all of whom are dressed in swimsuits, frolic happily in a sprinkler nozzle.

Having overheard the humans playing, RJ concludes, "It's not like _they're_ using it."

Just as the words leave RJ's mouth, Rebecca does a cartwheel-flip off the diving board…and lands right next to Verne. The splash causes a hydro shockwave that makes RJ lose balance and fall into the water, causing everyone to laugh. As RJ surfaces, he does so slowly, like a stalking alligator; his eyes fixated on his little sister.

**Rebecca:** "Oh! I'm sooo sorry, RJ."

RJ picks up her sarcasm, as well as the playful look in her eye, and a fake innocence-smile.

**RJ:** (imitating Rebecca's own sarcasm): "Oh, you are sooo" (In playful rage) "dead, Becca!"

RJ swims with all his speed toward Rebecca who splashes him in the face while giggling. When it becomes clear that it won't stop him, Rebecca turns around and swims to a nearby side ladder. Just as she gets a foot on one of the rungs, her tail is grabbed.

**RJ **(Rhetorically)**:** "Where do you think _you're_ going? Don't start something you can't finish!"

RJ laughs as he pulls Rebecca back in the water. In the short time it happens, Rebecca instinctively goes "Ohhhh!" in a tone of genuine fun.

When the siblings surface, they resume splashing each other.

**Rebecca:** "You won't win, RJ. You better give up now!"

**RJ:** "Oh yeah? You and who's army?"

**Rebecca:** "_This_ army!"

Rebecca uses her thumb and index finger to whistle loud. When she's finished, a series of splashes occur as the six porcupines and Hammy get in the pool. The bat teens and younger kids swim to Rebecca and get behind her.

**RJ** (raises an eyebrow)**:** "Not bad…I'm impressed at how fast you became a ring leader. But two can play at that game!"

RJ whistles the same way Rebecca did and all the adult animals jump in the water and get behind him.

For the next few minutes, the whole family partakes in an epic splash fight and head-dunking battle. But a few minutes is all it takes before RJ remarks, "This isn't getting anywhere. All of us are evenly matched."

**Rebecca:** "Then let's settle this the old fashion way…"

**Bucky, Quillo, and Spike in unison** (chanting)**:** "Chick-en fight! Chick-en fight! CHICK-EN FIGHT!"

The family moves to the shallows. Rick lets RJ get on top of his shoulders while Luby lets Rebecca do the same. When their paws make contact it becomes a wild test of strength for the raccoons on top and a test of balance for the two below.

As a result of the his opponents' push, Rick almost loses his footing, but is able to recover. When he does, Rebecca asks, "You two good?"

**RJ:** "Of course. Oh, and a little piece of advice: You should have finished me when you had the chance!"

The next push nearly causes Luby to fall, but she maintains balance when Rebecca—having more experience with balancing due to all the gymnastics she does—tells the older lady raccoon to step left, then back, then forward as she renews her attack.

This time, RJ nearly falls off. As Rick struggles to prevent this, Rebecca has Luby rush in and gives a final push. RJ and Rick finally fall over, causing everyone to cheer.

When RJ looks up at his sister, she replies "Thanks for the tip."

**RJ:** "Me and my big mouth…" (To the group) "Who's next?"

A chorus of "Me's" ring out, and after De'Ausha bests Roger in a chicken fight, Hammy and Spike are about to go next.

**Verne:** "Hold up you two, there's something that has to be said. I'm not trying to ruin anyone's fun—I'm all in favor of the family chicken fighting all afternoon. But let's not forget that the commotion may draw the attention of humans nearby."

**RJ:** "Rest easy, Verne. Humans have plenty of other recreational activities to keep themselves occupied and pass the time. They wouldn't notice us if a sea mine went off in the pool."

As it turns out, human kids are all indoors playing video games, and chatting in person or on social networks. At the same time, the human parents are watching TV in rooms their kids weren't using, again proving how humans really don't appreciate all they have on a warm, beautiful spring day.

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After all the teens and younger animals have fought someone, Rachel decides it's time for a new game.

**Rachel:** "Who wants to play Gator?"

**Everyone except the adults** (While raising their paws)**:** "I do! I do!"

**Velma:** "All of you have fun, now. Me and your parents are gonna get tans while we watch you."

**Teens and young kids in unison:** "Kay."

**Hammy:** "I wanna be gator first!"

Everyone agrees, and Hammy gets into the middle of the pool and the others get to one side. The squirrel plans to tag Plushie since, being a turtle, he will be slow.

Once the players look ready Hammy, yells, "Gator!"

The others hesitate to move. But always being a boy with a knack for daringness and adventure that his late mother had passed onto him, Plushie swims out first. Hammy wastes no time closing in on the young turtle, but suddenly, Plushie puts on an extra boost of speed and outswims Hammy and makes it to the other side in the blink of an eye…literally.

**Hammy:** "Wha? But I—How did he?"

As Hammy puts a finger on his chin to make sense of what just happened, the others swim. Everyone makes it half way before Hammy snaps out of his trance and remembers his job: to tag someone. His speed in the water is slightly slower than his running speed, but gets him within tagging distance in no time.

**Hammy:** "Gotcha, Emily! You're the next gator!"

**Emily:** "Well, those're the rules."

Unknown to Hammy, Emily was swimming slower than normal so that she could be tagged. Now that she's gator, Step 1 of her plan is complete. All that's left is Step 2…but it's not in her paws to do that...

**Hammy **(after making it to the side where the other players are)**:** "How did you swim so fast, Plushie?"

**Rachel:** "Yeah…No offense, but I thought turtles were, like, slow."

**Plushie** (Grinning)**:** "On land, yes." (Patting his shell at the "chest-level") "But I'm a fast turtle in the water."

**Emily:** "Are all you ready?"

**Everyone else:** "Ready!"

**Emily:** "Gator!"

**Bucky:** "Everyone go at once, she can't tag us all!"

**Hammy:** "Those who fall will be avenged!"

The others obey and swim hard…unaware that Bucky just set up Step 2. Naturally, the players are too focused on making it to the other side to pay attention to Bucky who dives under water. Emily does the same and when the two porcupines meet, they kiss.

Having confessed their love for one another ever since moving to the Elysian Fields Estates, both had been looking for any opportunity to take their relationship to the next level...Starting by having more affectionate contact, rather than just coming off as a boy and his friend who is a girl. But it had been hard with the eyes of family watching all the time, which made this underwater kiss all the more satisfying, even if they could only afford no more than three seconds.

After surfacing, Bucky claims Emily tagged him and the game resumes. But as they continue playing, Bucky and Emily notice Plushie looking at them funny…

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The rest of the day passes in a blur, and it's sundown before they know it…And not a single human has noticed the animals playing in their backyard.

**Verne:** "You really were right about humans being oblivious, RJ."

**RJ** (smirking)**:** "I usually am, and yet you're always so surprised."

**Verne** (smiles and nudges RJ with his elbow)**:** "Knock it off, ya smart-alec."

**RJ:** "_Smart_. And don't you forget it."

**Verne** (Thinking)**:** "_Raccoons…_" (To the family) "Now listen up everybody, it's time to leave. Let's put up the floats and towels so that everything will be as it was whenever the humans do bother to check on their pool."

Everyone complies, but then RJ notices something odd about Heather. She has that "certain" look in her eyes. RJ smiles.

**RJ:** "How about all of you go on ahead and have dinner set up? We only used a few towels and two floats. Heather and I can handle the clean-up."

**Heather:** "Yeah. And dad, Rogan, and Sarah? You three can spend some time with your grandkids until we get back."

The older animals agree and proceed into the hedge with everyone else. Before heading in, Bucky makes sure RJ and Heather's backs are turned. When he's sure, he grabs Plushie by the shell and turns the turtle so that he's facing Bucky and Emily.

**Bucky:** "Hold up, dude. What's with the eyeing you've been giving me and Emily, huh?"

**Emily:** "C'mon. Fess up."

**Plushie:** "I saw the lip action you two did back there after I made it to the other side of the pool during your" (points at Emily) "round of being Gator."

Bucky and Emily look at each other nervously.

**Plushie** (smiling)**:** "But my lips are sealed."

**Emily:** "Thanks. You're a really good kid…And friend."

**Bucky:** "But if you tell _anyone_, especially my brothers and her sisters," (points at Emily) "I'll declare prank war on you till your wedding day."

All three smile and go through the hedge.

Leaving RJ and Heather alone.

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As soon as the three last animals head through the hedge, RJ and Heather immediately stop folding the towel they were working on and hug tightly while kissing on the lips for 30 seconds. When they break away, they maintain their proximity and look deeply into each other's eyes.

**Heather:** "It's been ages since we've had some private night time. I've really missed it."

**RJ:** "Yeah, I can tell."

They hug and nuzzle each other for a few moments before breaking away. When they do, they give each other a little more space, but stay close enough to where Heather has her paws touching RJ's chest, while RJ is holding his soul mate at the hips. RJ becomes lost in admiring his mate's soft, warm fur for 10 seconds, Heather's next remark being the only thing that brings him back to reality.

**Heather:** "My, my. Your heart is beating so fast…"

**RJ:** "Heh, well I am a male…And a beautiful opossum female will do that to a guy."

The two kiss again and after finishing, Heather takes RJ over to a float in the pool.

**Heather:** "C'mon, let's get in."

**RJ:** "Not yet."

**Heather:** 'Why?"

RJ takes Heather's paw tenderly and kisses it before replying, "Trust me."

In a few seconds, the pool's automatic lights come on, bathing the pool area and the house's outer wall with a beautiful, glowing aqua blue light.

Heather gasps in awe while RJ takes her paw and says, "_Now_ we can get in."

The two lay down on their backs and kick off from the edge so that the float slowly drifts into the pool, guided by the wind. RJ's left paw holds Heather's right one; the opposite paws laying gingerly in the water; both stare up into the sky to gaze at the stars.

**Heather:** "How many do you think there are?"

**RJ:** "A lot…...Y'know, when I was a drifter, on every night of my birthday, I would look up into the sky and see it as my birthday cake. A big, black, chocolate cake with a million candles. No matter how tired I was, I would always stay up long enough to see the candle I would make a wish on: a shooting star."

**Heather:** "What did you wish for?"

RJ takes a deep breath and lets it out before responding.

**RJ:** "Happiness…...But my wishes never came true back then." (While slowly turning and laying down on his left side) "Until I met this family…And you."

RJ waits for Heather to turn and lay down on her right side, facing at him.

**RJ:** "I love you, Heather."

**Heather:** "And I love you, RJ."

The two scoot closer and kiss while stroking their mate's fur. They constantly break away so that their lips make smacking sounds, letting the taste of their kisses be taken in little by little. They do so for a full minute, lightly going "Mmm" after every smack. After finishing RJ smiles at Heather.

**RJ:** "Did I ever tell you how much I love how soft your fur is?"

**Heather:** "Only every day since we admitted we loved each other…Have I told you how much I enjoy your fuzzy fur?"

**RJ:** "About every—"

**Voice:** "CANONBALL!"

The two mates become soaked in water moments later. The opossum and raccoon are frozen in place, too shocked to even yell from surprise. Still not saying a word, the two look at who surfaces from the water.

**Hammy:** "Heh-heh-heh! Gotcha!"

**Heather** (tense voice that increases volume with every word)**:** "Hammy, have you ever heard of a little thing called 'privacy'!?"

**Voice:** "Have you two ever heard of a little something called 'honesty'?"

RJ and Heather look to the spot where the voice originated and see Rogan, Sarah (the one who had spoken), Ozzie, and Verne looking at them with mischievous smiles on their faces.

**Hammy:** "I did what ya told me to! Can I get it now? Can I, can I?! Please, oh pretty please?!"

**Verne:** "Yes, Hammy."

The turtle nods at Ozzie and Sarah who pull out what looks like a pizza box in all red.

**Verne:** "One chocolate chip cookie cake with your name on it, right here."

**Hammy:** "Yaaayyy!"

Hammy zooms out of the water, grabs the cookie cake, and runs back into the hedge.

**RJ:** "You _had_ him—?"

**Rogan:** "That's enough, RJ."

**Ozzie:** "I hope you two learn from this lesson."

**Sarah:** "Don't tell us you're going to clean things up and have us distract your kids because you think you need to trick us into having time to yourselves."

**Verne:** "If you want some alone time, just ask."

**RJ **(rhetorically)**:** "Why does every awkward life lesson have to follow the 'You never asked' cliché?" (Sighs) "I'm sorry."

**Heather:** "Me too."

**Rogan:** "You're both forgiven. But you still have to put up the towels and pool floats."

**Heather:** "Fair enough. We'll get right on it for real this time."

**RJ:** "Just tell me one thing: how'd you figure out what we were doing?"

**Sarah:** "Mother knows best…"

She winks before walking away, causing RJ and Heather to look at each other with big, dopey smiles.

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**Off to a good start so far. Well, in my opinion at least. Let me know if you agree with me in a review if you feel like it.**

**Blu100-Jewel100, I hope I satisfied your request for putting in some RJxHeather in my continuation of the **_**Soul Mates Trilogy**_**. To the Guest who posted the "certain" review to **_**Soul Mates Part 1 **_**that let me know how inspiring my writing has been in your life, expect to see a little more romance between the porcupine teens. And to the Red Omega, you're request for De'Ausha having a love interest will be fulfilled.**

**Good writers listen to their reviewers/critics and use it to better their stories. And I read my reviews.**

**To all readers: don't get too used to the romance, however. The main focus of this anthology will be humor and fun! And if I don't update before Spring Break ends, it could be a while since I'll be taking summer classes for grad school.**

**If you don't hear from me soon, I'll be around reading others' stories!**


	2. Getting Rid of Unwelcomed Guests

**Chapter 2: Getting Rid of Unwelcomed Guests**

_No more waiting. No more holding back. No more denial. Only truth can bridge the gap that must be closed once and for all. Relax. Chill. You can do this._

These were the thoughts going through two adolescent male porcupines as they walk into secluded sections of the forest with two adolescent female porcupines at noon. The boys have known the girls since they were 11 years old to now, and in that timeframe what started as hanging out became friendship. From friendship into secret affection. From affection to crushes. And from crushes to…well, that's what this was all about. Quillo is with Rachel and Emma is with Spike. Although each pair is separate from the other, both have similar exchanges of words.

**Emma/Rachel:** "So, why are we missing _Dancing With the Stars_ for a simple walk? It's the season finale."

**Spike/Quillo:** "Oh, you'll find out soon."

The boys pause a bit before adding, "We've been through a lot together, you and me. We've done heists, helped with RJ and Heather's wedding and babysat their kids, spied on humans, played videogames, and not to mention surviving Verm-Tech."

**Emma/Rachel** (A little impatient)**:** "Yes…You don't, like, have to tell me those things. I've lived them. So cut to the chase…"

**Spike/Quillo:** "Y'know that I think you're pretty."

**Emma/Rachel: **"Do you now?"

**Spike/Quillo:** "Of course. I mean, what's not to like? You're quills are, like, as white as snow, but also dark like a zebra stripe."

**Emma/Rachel:** "You're comparing me to a zebra?"

**Spike/Quillo:** "Why not? They're pretty to look at, elegant, and stand out among other animals…Like you do."

**Emma/Rachel:** "You think I'm all that?"

**Spike/Quillo:** "I know you're all that and more. And how sharp are they?"

**Emma/Rachel:** "Why don't you see for yourself?"

The girls turn so their backs are facing the boys who gingerly tap the tip of a quill with their pointer finger.

**Spike/Quillo:** "Whoa…That's, like, sharp enough to dent a rock."

**Emma/Rachel:** "Mom says I get it from dad…But I'm not as sharp as you are. And I'm not talking about the quills…"

It took a lot for Quillo and Spike to not blush, but they somehow manage.

**Spike/Quillo:** "That's…um, like…so…"

Emma and Rachel smile at how emotionally awkward they're causing the guy in front of her to feel. It is, after all, what girls do in moments like this. But they turn the tables on the boys' plans by taking charge of it themselves.

**Emma/Rachel:** "Just say you love me already, ya smoothie."

Quillo and Spike laugh. They don't even bother to ask how their respective girl knew. All that mattered was that they knew…...Rachel knew Quillo loved her and wanted to be her boyfriend as much as Emma knew Spike wanted the same. The boys just accept it. And now it's time to seal that acceptance.

Both boys wrap their arms around their lovers and kiss. Nothing could ruin this moment—

Until their kiss is cut short when they hear voices from the opposite side of the hedge.

**Voice 1** (Masculine)**:** "It's right over here."

**Voice 2** (Feminine)**:** "I don't know, Harry. The sign says 'No trespassing under state law.' "

**Harry:** "There's no fun to life without risks, Julia. It's not like there are cops patrolling or video cameras recording things behind here. And if no one of the law-abiding sees it, it's not illegal."

**Note:**** By no means do I use that last sentence to justify breaking the law, and neither should you. It's used in the sense for **_**minor**_** things such as accidentally running a stop sign; accidentally running a red light that, moments before, was a yellow light; or accidentally walking on grass before seeing a "Do not walk on the grass" sign. You get where I'm going. We've all had moments where we use such mentality, myself included, but the bottom line is: All crimes, no matter how small and unintentional, should be avoided.**

**Julia:** "Well…alright. C'mon boys!"

**Voice 3** (Young and masculine)**:** "Yay!"

**Voice 4** (Young and masculine)**:** "Picnic time!"

The porcupine teens quickly run away and get into hiding spots where they see four humans come in through a thin area in the hedge.

**Rachel:** "Let's go tell our parents and the others. They'll wanna know about this."

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**Note:**** The rest of the chapter is based on the **_**Over the Hedge**_** comic strip dated September 10-14, 2013 and September 19, 2013**

The human father and mother have a blanket they are sitting on as they get food out of a basket. One son is freely running around within eyesight of his parents, while a younger son plays with a toy car. All four are unaware that RJ is spying on them as he peeks his head through a bush on the top of a small hill overlooking the humans below.

**RJ:** "Not a picnic! They'll be here for hours…" (while straining to control his anger) "And they're in my favorite hammock-napping spot!"

**Velma:** "Not to mention they're breaking the law of invading the area meant to be untouched by human hands and feet."

**Lou:** "If we don't send them away, then other humans will think it's ok to come into our territory too."

RJ has not been listening closely to the other animal's observations—being too fixated on his napping spot being overtaken—but speaks as if he did. His anger replaced by resolve.

**RJ:** "Everyone, huddle up!"

The family rearranges themselves so that they are like a sports team gathered around RJ, their coach, in the center. They affirm and revel in his plans after every sentence.

**RJ:** "We're gonna have to do more than that to make them go back. We gotta scare the willies out of 'em. We need to traumatize them so much that they will be afraid to see cartoon animals for years, and real life ones for decades. We're not just gonna ruin their picnic, we're gonna take away their sense of dignity. We wanna see humans so broken and so emasculated—psychologically and physically—that they will not fear the law that they have broken. Oh no, they will fear _us_! Not to mention we get food that's already been brought into our midst."

**Hammy:** "Oh I can't wait!" (very quickly) "Yummy, yummy, yummy!"

**RJ:** "But it won't be easy, gang. It's gonna take everything we have to accomplish this task. We're gonna have to use every single object in my bag to make these humans regret trying to test Nature!"

**Verne **(who steps away from the group)**: **"Hang on. There's a way to get rid of them with much less effort."

He pulls out a cell phone, and dials a number while everyone gathers around puzzled.

**Verne:** "You up for a picnic, your highness?"

The voice over the phone was as familiar as it was commanding, semi-British, and feminine.

**Voice:** "Will there be glory? Conquest? Treasure? Cocktail weenies?"

**Verne:** "All of the above, your highness."

The phone call ends abruptly as the other hedgies figure out who the identity of the person Verne was talking to…

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It turns out that the voice belongs to a queen fire ant wearing a miniscule crown of fruit á la Carmen Miranda. The phone is being held up by an ant who is about to fall from exhaustion, but he dares not do anything without his queen's order.

**Queen Ant** (while pointing with dominance)**:** "We ride to battle! Fetch me my steed!"

Two of the queen's body guards look at one another and converse.

**Guard 1** (looking at the other guard nervously): " 'Steed?' "

**Guard 2:** "Your turn."

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After three minutes since hanging up the phone, an army of ants marching in single file approaches the log of the hedgies. At the front of the line is a human fist-sized portion of an ant hill with the Queen Ant on top…and her "steed" carrying both the dirt and queen on his back. The steed takes the Queen Ant over to Verne and RJ who are in front of the others.

**RJ** (to Verne)**:** "You're gonna have Izzie drive the picnickers away? Brilliant."

**Izzie** (turns to face RJ)**:** "_What_ did you just call _**ME**_, raccoon peasant?!"

**RJ:** "My apologies…Queen Izzie."

**Izzie:** "You just saved yourself from waking up in the middle of the night with my subjects covering your fur…And as for the humans: _No one_ has a picnic _without_ ants! ATTAAAAAAACK!"

The ants—including the small hill with Izzie on top—march onward in rapid succession. _Tramp-Tramp-Tramp, Tra-Tra-Tramp-Tramp-Tramp_.

**Izzie:** "The humans stand no chance! For we have the element of…SURPRISE!"

Unfortunately, the entire ant army, being very small, has not even gone past the log yet.

**Verne:** "This could take a while."

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**Verne** (while observing from the hill)**:** "Izzie and the ants are almost to the picnickers."

**RJ** (impatient)**:** "_That_ only took two hours."

**Heather:** "No it didn't."

**Bucky:** "It was, like, 20 minutes."

**RJ:** "It _felt_ like two hours."

**Sarah:** "Relax, RJ. You'll get your favorite nap spot back soon enough."

**Ozzie** (while moving dramatically)**:** "Oh, I can't help but pity the humans just a little. Their anguish, their humiliation, their masculinity; gone. Far, far away shall thee flow from thy soul. Mine confidence: will thou be returned from whence you came? Or lost forever in a wind blowing far yonder unto the fleeting daylight?"

**Rogan:** "Ah for the love of dirt, don't go Shakespeare on us, Ozzie. I can't stand Shakespeare. He had no invention to his stories whatsoever. All he did was take his plots from old novels and throw their stories into dramatic shape with little thought or effort. Not to mention his plays are boring—subpar at best—overrated, uninspiringly predictable, clichéd, and use language that no one can understand because it was all dated as soon as the turn of the 18th century. His work is so out of touch with the modern times, no matter how many renditions there are, that it's ridiculous how humans still can't get enough of a guy who's such a bore."

**RJ and Rebecca in unison** (indignantly)**: **"Dad…!"

**Rogan:** "Well he _was_."

**Note:**** The first two sentences of Rogan's insult is based on a real quote by Lord Byron on William Shakespeare. The rest describes my personal feelings toward Shakespeare…Hate to sound too harsh for any Shakespeare fans, but we're all entitled to our own opinions, and I have never liked Shakespeare (and never will) despite the significant impact he's had.**

Rogan suddenly notices his son and daughter are no longer looking at him, but something behind him...Something that causes a 31 year old and 15 year old raccoon to stare wide-eyed in fear.

Rogan turns around and becomes literally face-to-face with an Ozzie who looks so angry that it scares the non-existing pants off of the older raccoon.

**Ozzie** (dark and threatening)**:** "Just one question, _Rogan Sr._," (voice softens up back to normal) "Who's Shakespeare?"

The reaction on Rogan's face is one of utter shock, awe, and disbelief. As if he just found out he had a long-lost twin brother from outer space who wore clothes, spoke fluent English, piloted starships, and toted around comedically oversized guns as if they were light as a feather.

**Rogan **(matter-of-factly and mirrors his previously-described feeling)**:** "…You've never heard of Shakespeare…?"

**Ozzie:** "How could I? I'm an opossum, and none of the books we've abducted have talked about this 'Shakespeare.' Is he an animal?"

**Rogan **(same tone as before)**:** "He's the most famous human playwright who ever lived."

Ozzie still looks like he has no clue what Rogan is telling him.

**Rogan **(same tone as before)**:** "You talk and act like someone from his plays all the time, and you're saying you don't know anything about Shakespeare?"

**Ozzie:** "Like I said before, I'm an opossum. Talking and acting dramatically is what I do; it's a species heritage that comes from mere instinct. But if what you're saying about this Shakespeare—silly name, by the way—is true, then it will take my dramatic acting to a whole new level!"

**Everyone except Heather, Mary, and Bernard:** "NOOOO!"

**Rogan** (regains composure)**:** "Look, um, I'm sorry Ozzie. I've never really known a possum as long as you and just have to get used to your, 'heritage' I guess."

**Tiger:** "It will take about three years."

**Ozzie:** "No problem, Rogan. At least we get along better than most in-laws from the movies and TV shows we've seen."

Rogan smiles and nods in appreciation. Moreover, the conflict could not have ended at a better moment, for the ants have begun their assault.

**Julia:** "ANTS!"

**Both sons:** "Aaaaieghhhhhh!"

**Harry:** "They're all over the food! Get 'em off! GET 'EM OFF!"

RJ looks at his family, smiling as warmly as they are.

However, beyond the realm of human ears, several ants suddenly cry out, "RETREAT!"

**Harry:** "Huh?! They're _leaving_?"

**RJ:** "_What?!_"

When Izzie and the ants get back to the animals in only one minute—indicating that whatever menace they had encountered is worse than any anteater, ant killer, or water hose—the family asks in unison, "What happened?"

**Izzie:** "Verne. You lying, overgrown, sea monkey! You didn't say they would have _chemical_ weapons!"

**Verne:** " 'Chemical weapons?' "

**All ants in unison **(in horror)**:** "Tofu cocktail weenies!"

**RJ** (frustrated)**:** "That's it! Now we're gonna do this _MY_ way!"

RJ storms toward the humans.

**Verne:** "What are you doing?"

**RJ:** "I want my favorite nap spot back, pronto!"

Once Verne figures out what RJ will do to drive the humans away, he speaks in dread.

**Verne:** "No! You can't!"

Verne's plea falls on deaf ears as RJ now steps in front of the humans.

**RJ** (to the humans)**:** "You can't understand my words, but you can understand my actions. So lookie here!"

All the humans watch wide-eyed with their mouth gaping open.

**RJ:** "Yeah, that's right…Walkin' on two legs! Talkin' through sign language! Addressin' you intently! Pret—ty frea—ky!"

The humans don't run, causing RJ to continue.

**RJ:** "I said—!"

_Click, cli-click!_

Much to the raccoon's discontent, three of the humans snap pictures of RJ on their cell phones. The raccoon can tell they weren't afraid of him, and walks back to the log. As soon as he arrives, Quillo pulls out his cell phone, and shows it to RJ.

**Quillo:** "30,000 views on YouTube in 10 seconds!"

**RJ:** "That did not go as I planned."

**Verne:** "You may have made things worse too, RJ."

**RJ:** "How so?"

**Verne:** "You walked _upright_ in front of humans. You used _sign language_ to speak to them. And they posted pictures and videos of you on the _world-wide_ web!"

**RJ:** "Relax, humans don't believe that kind of stuff. They'll think it's all CG like _everything_ is nowadays."

**Verne:** "The point is, they'll wanna come back more than ever now!"

**Bernard:** "We can become famous if _Animal Planet_ comes in to do a documentary!"

**RJ:** "Nahhh! I bet _Discovery Channel_ will pay more."

Knowing that logic will not win the battle, Verne does something he should have done a long time ago: Think like a raccoon.

**Verne:** "Forget it. Fame isn't all it's cracked up to be. You get absolutely no privacy. Your life isn't your own. Just ask any celebrity."

**RJ:** "Can't do that."

**Penny:** "Why?"

**RJ** (in melodramatic loss)**:** " 'Cuz I'm _not_ famous."

**Annette:** "Um…The humans are still down there."

**Lou:** "Darn it all. What'll we do to make them go away?"

**RJ:** "We've tried ants, I've tried blowing their minds…What else could we do to scare them away for good and not risk retaliation?"

**Hammy:** "Pssssssst!"

When RJ looks, he sees Hammy with whipped cream out.

**RJ:** "Oh yeah, I forgot I had that."

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**Hoped all of ya liked this entertaining chapter!**

**And let me make one thing clear about me using reviews as suggestions in my writing: I don't incorporate whatever anyone tells me to put in my stories; it has to fit my agenda for my stories.**

**So, Blu100-Jewel100, this story will remain K+ rated as there are no moments that would classify it as T. In light of the previous chapter, it's important to keep in mind that married couples and/or boyfriends and girlfriends hug and kiss to simply flirt and show affection, which was what RJ and Heather were doing in Chapter 1.**

**And while I am glad to have fulfilled the request of the Guest who posted the second review of this anthology by updating sooner than anticipated, my summer semester of college begins in four days and in those four I will be getting some R&amp;R.**

**The next update on any of my stories could take a long time, but at least I'll have the other OTH stories on this website to read—both the old and new.**

**Farewell for now!**


	3. Winter Games

**Chapter 3: Winter Games**

**Note****: The following section is based on the **_**Over the Hedge**_** comics strip dated January 9, 2014.**

With two more days until winter hibernation, a blanket of snow covers the suburbs. Hammy and his good friend Larry—an all-gray mouse who is one of several forest neighbors and is just as zany as Hammy—ice skate together on a large body of frozen water, both wearing skates that fit their tiny feet. Never being one to say no to something new, Hammy also wears a squirrel-sized pink dress because the Winter Olympics would not be the same with two skaters of the same gender. Best to fool the judges so the mouse and squirrel would be taken seriously.

**Larry:** "Ready for another upsa-daisy, Hammy?"

**Hammy:** "Uh-huh. Let's give those judges something to 'Ooo' and 'ahh' about."

**Larry:** "I didn't know we were being judged. I thought we were only _practicing_ for the Winter Olympics?"

**Hammy:** "The best way to practice is to pretend it's real."

**Larry:** "Makes sense. Ok, on my go."

Hammy and Larry get ready for the move that will stun the masses…imaginary masses that it.

**Larry:** "And GO!"

Larry lifts the squirrel over twice his own weight above his head, only holding Hammy by the right paw. Hammy is in a graceful pose with his arms spread out as if he's flying. Ironically, when Larry spins to pick up speed for the grand finale and his grip on Hammy slips, the squirrel is literally, yet unintentional, flying through the air. He smashes through a house window where a woman, who was enjoying a nice hot cup of coffee while reading a magazine, lets out a scream.

Almost out of thin air, RJ (wearing sunglasses and a scarf around his neck) remarks, "We're gonna need a bigger rink."

Larry nods in agreement. After all, the rink he and Hammy had been using was just a small hot tub on the patio of a house.

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The Next Day

**Note****: The next four sections of the chapter are based on the **_**Over the Hedge**_** comic strip dated April 1-3, 2015.**

Behind the hedge, Hammy and the younger kids just finished building a snowman with sticks for arms, a carrot nose, along with coal for eyes, smile, and buttons.

Everyone is admiring their hard work, because for animals as small as the hedgies, to build a life-size snowman is quiet a task. Hammy has the best view for appreciation by holding onto a tree truck in a climbing down position.

Despite the accomplishment, Plushie can't help but point out, "It's just an average snowman."

**De'Ausha:** "No it's not. It has one notable and original distinction: mittens on his hands."

**Stella's voice from afar: **"Kii-iids! It's time to eat up for hibernation."

**De'Ausha** (raises voice to be heard)**:** "Kay, mama!"

As the younger ones go back to the log, Hammy stays long enough to tell the snowman, "Have a fun winter! I'll check on you in Spring!"

He then zooms off to the log.

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First Day of Spring

When Hammy wakes up, he zooms back to the snowman…But when he gets there he discovers there is no snowman, only a puddle of water with one of the "arms" sticking straight up with a mitten attached to it.

**Hammy** (screaming in sorrow)**:** "Noooooo! Pull yourself together, Jack Frost!"

Sadly, Jack Frost is unable to do so. But does that dampen Hammy's mood? Of course not! The red squirrel immediately lightens up when he realizes the snowman is still here…as a puddle. The sun never melted him away, he just needs a new name!

**Hammy:** "Ok, you're Jack Defrost now! Did you have a fun winter?"

The only response is the mitten falling off the stick when the wind blows. But a verbal response comes from Ty's voice as he is calling Hammy from another direction.

**Ty:** "Hammy! The smaller snowman you built is still under the shade!"

**Hammy:** "Yaaaaay! Parson Brown is still alive!" (Maniacally like a mad scientist): "He's alive! HE'S ALIIIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEEE!"

The squirrel zooms off to tend to his other snowman.

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Meanwhile, and inside the log, Verne wakes up yawing and stretching. Despite having a shell on, he instinctively reaches to scratch his back…only to be surprised that he indeed scratches his back. Thinking that he's dreaming the turtle taps his belly hard. As before it is odd that he touches his own belly. Verne then has a rude awakening as he discovers, to his horror, that he has no shell on. Seeing that the family was nowhere in sight, he walks out into the open, ties leaves around his waist using a vine for a belt, and walks around to find one of the family members who can fill him in on what happened with his shell.

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From the moment he arrived at his small snowman, Hammy has put more (unmelted) snow on it. But just as he gets Parson Brown exactly how he likes him, the sun melts the snow caught in a tree above Hammy which provided a gap-less shield from the sun's rays. Knowing what would soon follow, Hammy zooms away.

As Verne is walking he hears Hammy's "zooming" sound coming closer to him.

**Verne:** "Hammy—!"

The only response Verne gets is a powerful gust of wind that nearly tears away his makeshift loincloth. Thankfully the turtle grabbed onto the "belt" and, knowing he only had a few seconds before the "second round", asks "Have you seen my—?"

_ZOOM-WHOOSH!_

As before, Hammy didn't slow down. Verne would normally have gone looking for someone else to talk to about his shell, but after seeing Hammy carrying a bag of lotions, Verne simply _had_ to know what was going on.

He jogs toward Hammy's direction and when he gets there and sees what Hammy is doing, Verne asks "What the…?"

**Hammy:** "Sunscreen."

True his word, Hammy has doused the snowman with so much sunscreen that it no longer resembles a snowman. It simply looks like a lump of white goop.

But having saved Parson Brown, Hammy yells in a frenzied tone, "He lives! He lives again! Say it Parson Brown! Say it like the sky captain from _Destiny Police Los Angeles_: 'I live again!' "

**Note****: **_**Destiny Police Los Angeles**_** is my knock-off of **_**Future Cop L.A.P.D.**_** for the PS1, just as **_**AutoHomicide 3**_** is a knock-off of **_**Grand Theft Auto 3**_**.**

He then directs his attention to Verne and giggles at the turtle's "attire." Verne instantly knows what that means and begins his interrogation.

**Verne:** What happened to my shell?!"

**Hammy:** I _could_ tell you, but I was forced to sign a non-disclosure agreement…whatever that is."

Nothing else had to be said. As Verne walks away to find RJ—who he knows is behind this—he starts to itch and scratches his waist as he walks on.

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On a hill a little ways off from the log, RJ, Larry, Mary, and Bernard are sledding down a hill that has a few large patches of snow left on it. Their choice of a sled? Verne's shell. The four animals soon lose control but a pile of snow at the hill's bottom ensures a soft landing.

**Mary:** "Wow! That was so fun, daddy!"

**Bernard:** "Let's do it again!"

**Larry:** "And again, and again, and again, and again, and again! It's not like the shell is gonna break on us."

**RJ:** "Love the way all of you think, but we gotta let the rest of the family have a turn too." (Turns to the other hedgies) "So, who's up next?"

Lou and Penny raise their paws.

**RJ:** "Alright. Think fast!"

Lou catches the shell RJ tosses easily and jogs up the hill with his mate.

**Penny:** "Y'know Lou, this reminds me kinda of that time you and I went on that wooden raft as we paddled through a water treatment plant pipe a few years before our kids were born."

**Lou:** "That was the original 'Tunnel of Love,' before humans decided to copyright it at amusement parks. This'll be the "Hill Ride of Love' for the two of us. And the best part about it is that no human can rip off from that."

**Penny:** "Super idea, Lou."

As they prepare to sled down the hill, Verne comes stomping in with a look of pure anger in his eyes at the sight he sees in front of him.

**Velma:** "Oh, hey Verney glad see you're up—" (after noticing the look on his face) "Wait, RJ said you told him you were okay with us using your shell to…"

Velma stops when she figures out Verne is no longer listening to her. Verne also gives no verbal acknowledgement of what his mate just said. In fact, the information only angers the turtle further, as Verne's left eye is twitching from rage. Once he gets in RJ's personal space he yells in a demanding voice, "What are you doing with _**my**_ shell?!"

**RJ:** "Enjoying the last remnants of winter before the spring completely thaws everything."

**Verne:** "You were too lazy to go steal a sleigh from a human house," (scratches) "or at least the lid of a plastic container!?" (scratches some more)

**RJ:** "Uh, Verne."

**Verne:** "No! I'm not through with you yet!" (scratches) "You're like a child, you know that!" (scratches) "How can you be setting a good example for your kids" (scratch) "if you can't even" (scratches) "learn to ask" (scratch) "before taking my shell?!"

**RJ:** "Verne, you're—"

**Verne:** "And don't even **think** about saying," (insultingly imitating RJ's voice) " 'It's because I'm a raccoon,' " (scratches) "because you can't keep using your species as an alibi for" (scratches) "every idiotic thing you do!" (scratches) "What do you have to say for yourself?!"

**RJ** (genuine apologetic tone)**:** "One, I'm sorry." (Solemn and while making eye contact) "Two, you know I never had the chance to be a kid when I was growing up…And now that I have my own, it's like I finally have the chance to catch up on all the years I've missed out on having the type of fun kids enjoy…To let my inner child out. But, yeah I can get carried away at times."

Verne calms down at hearing his close friend admit the true reason of his shenanigans, respecting the raccoon for his honesty and at sharing a secret that makes all the sense in the world. When Verne speaks, all the anger is gone and his voice is light and filled with empathy.

**Verne:** "I see…Well, that's understandable. Believe it or not, I-I also went through a phase where I relived the lost days of my childhood after settling in a land without predators or humans before forming this family. Just talk to me next time, kay?"

Throughout his monologue Verne notices RJ has been trying to find a gap somewhere for the raccoon to butt in and interrupt him…and Verne has been scratching more than ever.

**RJ **(holding Verne's hand in both paws)**:** I **promise**." (after letting go of Verne's hand) "And three: you're wearing poison ivy wrapped together using poison oak."

Thankfully, Lou and Penny hand Verne his shell. But the turtle's face shows utter shock and repulsion at what will be in store for him...

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One and a half months later…after the poison ivy wore away…

**Note****: The remainder of the chapter is based on two panels from the **_**Over the Hedge**_** comic strip dated March 31, 2013.**

The smell of barbecue ribs wafts up into the air as a group of alumni college fraternity brothers get ready to catch up on their lives since graduating. None of the humans pay much mind to the fact that a large tree branch is above the open charcoal smoker…And that RJ and are Verne climbing up in the tree.

**Verne:** "Why do you want me to come with you?"

**RJ:** "Aside from needing to make up for the time I used your shell as a sled without permission, I've been thinking lately, Verne."

**Verne:** "Do tell."

**RJ:** "Why should _**I**_ be the only one who gets to use the stuff in my bag for heists? Everyone deserves a chance if they can learn how to use my items properly." (RJ is now on a branch and keeps talking as Verne continues to climbs) "And since you're the co-leader of our family, I figured _you_ should be the first one to try it out."

**Verne** (now on the same branch as RJ)**:** "Try what out?

**RJ** (after pulling an item out of his bag)**:** "Dun-da-da Daaaa!"

**Verne** (unable to keep his excitement under control)**:** "You're fishing pole?!"

**RJ** (while handing it to Verne)**:** "Yes, Verne. My most prized possession of all…Other than the golf club, boomerang, map of the suburbs, cell phone, laser pointer, deck of cards, plunger, lighter…"

**Verne:** "Um, shouldn't you be showing me how to use this?"

**RJ:** "Ah yes. There's only one way to use it: Learn by doing."

**Verne:** "Give me a break, RJ. You know how I prefer to learn by scaffolding."

**RJ:** "There's nothin' to it." (while putting his paws on Verne's shelled back and having the turtle walk out farther) "Just march right out there, aim, hit the button, and snag us some Bar-B-Q…Don't worry, I'm right behind you. I've got your back—"

Just as Verne is tasting his confidence boosting, RJ abruptly lets go of him, causing the turtle to instantly lose balance and fall down.

**RJ:** "Ew, you're back's all slimy!"

Fortunately, Verne tucks himself into his shell just before he hits the ground, avoiding injury…Well physical injury. As for emotional injury…...

**RJ's voice from above:** "Um, sorry…"

The raccoon tries and fails to stifle his giggle over what he unintentionally caused.

**Verne** (Thinking)**:** "_Slimy…Way to ruin another part of my self-image_."

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**There's chapter 3! Admittedly, the chapter is anachronistic, because it's been posted on August 3. So depending on how you look at it, I'm either too early or too late to be writing a chapter about winter (LOL).**

**But it's been a while since I've updated any of my stories and I figured I should squeeze one in before my final fall semester begins (I'll be done with grad school in May!). Not to mention it's been one of the hottest summers in Alabama this year, and I'd do anything to make it seem cooler, even if it's words alone.**

**Still hope you enjoyed!**


	4. Upping the Ante

**Chapter 4: Upping the Ante **

**Note****: The following chapter is based on the Over the Hedge comic strip dated January 27-31; February 2-6; and February 13-14, 2015.**

**RJ:** "The food's getting low."

**Verne:** "That's preposterous," (Points to the log) "we have plenty of acorns and berries—"

As RJ looks over to confirm Verne's finding, there is a loud _CRUNCH!_

The two family leaders look in the direction of the sound and see Hammy's head pop from the top of a giant bag of chips. The squirrel holds one in his paw and says "Last one."

**RJ** (Smiles proudly)**: **"Like I said, the food's getting low."

**Ozzie:** "And spuddies aren't the only chip where enough just isn't enough."

**Luby:** "It's for all chips."

**Verne** (Turns to face RJ)**:** "Well, I've lost _my_ appetite for arguing with you."

**RJ** (Winces)**:** "That joke was so cheesy it's painful.'

**Verne** (Grinning)**:** "Cheesy like those nacho chips we like so much, amiright?"

**RJ** (Laughs a bit)**:** "Okay, now you're starting to get the hang of this. Just give me a few minutes to think of a plan."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After walking up a hill, Verne sees RJ sitting down with maps and a pencil.

**Verne:** "Are you planning another heist?"

**RJ:** "Yeah. And this one is big."

**Verne:** "Whose house? The Barton's? The Johnson's? The Buffingtons'?"

**RJ** (Stands up)**:** "No. Something even larger." (To the whole family) "I need everyone to follow me to the far side of the forest."

The others gather some belongings, get behind RJ, and move out. And after an hour of trekking for miles, and climbing to the top of a hill, they see exactly what RJ wanted to steal from this time.

**RJ:** "The Cost-Lo."

The hedgies "ooh", "ahh" and "whoa" as they look down and see a large grocery store with humans going in or out of it. They also describe the scene to the blind bats before the latter can ask their "trademark question."

**RJ:** "Yes sireeee, we're stealing in bulk this time."

Verne's yes widen at how RJ has become so ambitious and says "You think we can actually pull a heist on a Cost-Lo?"

**RJ:** "Of course we can."

**Verne:** "No way can we run off with a 100-Pack of…of anything that's in there."

**RJ** (Turns to face Verne with a wink and smile)**:** "We won't need to run at all."

_Honk! Honk!_

Verne turns to the direction where the sound originated and his chin literally drops to the ground as he gapes at the sight before him: A purple semi-truck is being driven slowly toward them.

RJ: "You see, Verne-o, these days you can learn to drive the big rigs online."

As soon as the words left his mouth, Hammy comes out of the driver side window and grabs a hold of the side-view mirror with a big smile and says "Look! No paws!"

The porcupine boys then open the door.

**Bucky:** "But we're pushing the pedals."

**Spike:** "Cuz squirrels are too light to press down on a truck pedal."

**Quillo:** "So we're doing the main work."

Verne immediately decides that the plan is simply too ridiculous to try to talk RJ and the others out of it.

He and RJ look back at the supermarket below.

**Verne:** "Just tell me one thing."

**RJ:** "Listening…"

**Verne:** "How do you intend to get _into_ the Cost-Lo?"

**Ty:** "Lemme guess: Where there's a will there's a way?"

**Roger:** "That only works in little kids' movies. This is the real world, ya gullible noob."

Roger proceeds to use his fingers to flick the side of Ty's head hard.

**Ty:** "Ow! You are _so_ dead Roger!"

Before the confrontation began, Luby grabs Ty and Rick grabs Roger by the scruff of the kits' necks. The couple make both of their sons face Rick who warns, "You two can stop fighting and get along, or you can miss out on the heist."

**De'Ausha:** "I can also spray 'em if ya want, Uncle Rick."

**Rick** (nods at the skunat and then looks back at his sons)**:** "Or I'll let De'Ausha use her 'ability' on you both and we won't pick up any tomato-related items while in the store."

**Roger** (Frantically)**: **"Okay. We promise—"

**Ty** (Ditto)**:** "Not to fight—"

**Roger:** We're really—"

**Ty:** "Sorry, daddy—"

**Roger and Ty in unison:** "And mommy."

The twins are obviously too afraid to argue about each others' sentence completion and Rick and Luby give RJ a thumbs-up to show the problem was resolved.

**RJ:** What were you saying, Verne?"

**Verne:** "How will we get in the grocery store?"

**RJ:** "Ah yes, not to worry Verne. Not. To. Worry. We've got a man on the inside…Well…not exactly a _man_…"

**Verne:** "Who or what is it then?"

**RJ:** "You'll find out soon…" (To the family) "Everyone. It's time. To the Food Mobile!"

*1960s _Batman_-esque transition*

When the animals are all in the truck and approach the back of the store, they use a manikin to make it look like a human is driving. To further convince the human check officer, Sarah (hiding in the floorboard of the passenger seat) controls a transparent string attached to the manikin's arm so it can to wave. The decoy works and they then go to the loading dock.

They all get out and RJ taps on the back door of the loading office and out steps the contact RJ established…

**Verne:** "You _turned_ a _guard dog_!?"

**RJ:** "Everyone has his price." (Gestures for Hammy to step forward)

**Guard Dog** (A very fat pit bull with light brown fur and a spiked-collar)**:** "You got the squeak toy!"

The dog pokes Larry the Mouse who says "Squeak! Squeak!" while he's frowning with an indignant facial expression. The noise from the "squeak toy" makes the look down while cracking up with laughter. As he is doing so Larry murmurs in disdain, "The things I'll do for Havarti…"

The dog ushers the forest family into a hiding space large enough for all of them to use until the store closes at night. Once the lights go out the animals walk into the empty store and gaze upon the multitude of food lined up in aisles which to the animals seemed to go on for miles.

**RJ:** "Everyone, I have a terribly great announcement: We all have officially died and gone to heaven!"

One after the other, the statement causes Ozzie, Mary, Bernard, and Heather to play possum. They lay on the floor until RJ says "I said officially, not literally."

Once the marsupials get back up, the group separates. Some climb up food shelves, others go fetch shopping carts, and still others head to get flashlights and batteries to avoid turning on the lights which could attract attention.

**Verne** (Rhetorically)**: **"You _do_ realize this is wrong on so many levels…"

**RJ:** "Oh, c'mon! Think of us as just liberating a bit of excess conspicuous consumption."

**Verne:** "RJ, no person needs a 10,000-count crate of Q-tips."

**RJ** (While carrying five small boxes of said Q-tips stacked up like a tower)**:** "That's exactly my point. I'm saving them from themselves."

**Verne:** "For yourself."

**RJ:** "I'm a raccoon—I know you don't like it when I use that justification but ask yourself: How else can you explain my liberation of Q-tips?"

Verne sighs…Knowing that there truly was no other reason.

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After 30 minutes have gone by, the family has loaded five grocery carts into the truck out back, Verne, RJ, Bernard, Emily and Spike are riding in another grocery cart being pushed by Penny and Rick down an aisle that Simon's family, Ozzie, and Heather are tossing items into as they pass. But Verne believes five grocery cart loads are enough.

**Verne:** "We have the snacks, RJ!..._Let's go!"_

**RJ:** "Relax…we've got all night to shop."

**Verne:** "We're not shopping, we're stealing."

**RJ:** "A distinction without difference. You say 'stealing,' I say shopping without cash."

**Verne** (tilts his head in realization)**: **"Y'know your superpowers of rationalization are disturbingly highly developed."

**RJ** (smirks)**:** "I practice a lot in front of a mirror."

**Bernard:** "And I pretend to be Uncle Verne too. Listen to this" (Imitating Verne's voice and waving his finger) "RJ, don't do this, Blah-blah-blah. RJ don't do that, Bla-bla-blah."

RJ nervously chuckles and pulls near his neck as if to let out steam of heat caused by embarrassment from an invisible turtle neck shirt he's wearing.

Verne stares at RJ with indifference in a way that subtly indicates grave disgust. His voice mirrors this gaze when he speaks

**Verne:** "Your son seems rather well-rehearsed…Is there anything else you've taught him about me behind my back?"

**RJ:** "Well…Uhhhh."

**Verne** (Holds his hand up in a stop signal)**:** "Never mind, we'll deal with it later. Let's just get this heist done so we can go home."

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After another hour, the animals are still looting from the store. As RJ is carrying a box of Twinkies with Verne right beside him, the turtle looks at a clock, sees that it's past 1:30AM and nervously asks "Can we leave _NOW?!_"

**RJ:** "Verne, take a chill pill."

From somewhere above, a box of chill pills lands at Verne's feet thrown by Hammy who laughs, "Heh-heh!"

**Verne** (ignores the package and keeps walking alongside RJ)**:** "The longer we stay here the more likely it is for us to get caught."

**RJ** (turns his head to speak to Verne while continuing to walk)**: **"C'mon…We've bribed the guard dog. There's no one here but us."

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As RJ speaks (and as the other family members continue to loot), little do the raiders know that they are being watched. A security guard in the surveillance/security room who had been sleeping on the job wakes up to go to the restroom. But as soon as he is on his feet, he looks at the monitors which show the animals in the store.

**Security Guard:** "Wait…"

The man zooms in on RJ—noting the stripe on his back. The guard then switches the camera to see Rebecca—causing the man to touch his head where a raccoon claw mark lines his forehead. And then he looks at Stella and De'Ausha—the stench of those animals' spray hits the guard with a flashback of post-traumatic stress disorder proportions. He then he knows for certain that his sworn enemies have finally returned. The enemies who thought to have perished when he and his wife demolished the animals' woodland home a year ago.

For the guard was none other than Dwayne LaFontant who muses, "_**They survived?!**_ _These animals either are very lucky or have Mother Nature herself protecting them!_"

The man smirks when he realizes that all the doors are locked in the main building, leaving no room for escape.

Dwayne smirks as he thinks, "_Small world, eh? All I need is get my net gun and then I'll—_"

He stops once he realizes he has no more net gun.

**Dwayne** (out loud)**:** "Oh yeah, I'm no longer a Verminator…And even if I do try to catch them, this late into my shift it'll only prove that I was asleep on the job and I'll get fired."

After a five second pause, Dwayne finally gets an idea. He picks up a phone, dials a number, and says "Hello? Verm-Tech…?"

Once the call is over, Dwayne sits back in his chair in a relaxing pose as he arrogantly thinks, "_Time to see if my and Gladys's replacements are as good as Jackson said they would be_."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Verne:** "RJ, do we really need a 17,568-item emergency snack kit?"

**RJ** (nonchalant)**:** "Yes."

**Verne:** "But…"

**Voice:** "Well, well. You again? I'll have to teach you a lesson!"

The animals turn and see a Caucasian man wearing blue overalls, a white t-shirt with a skull on it, tacky yellow-rimmed orange goggles, green gloves, brown boots, and a rep cap and with a clamp in his hand.

**RJ:** "Pierre, you son of a smelly turnip!"

**Verne:** "Who's that?!"

**RJ:** "It's Pierre! An old nemesis from my days as a drifter after the war!"

**Verne:** "What war?"

**RJ:** "The Cupcake War. AKA, The War of 1818 because it took place on the 18th day, of the 18th hour on the 1818th anniversary of the invention of the cupcake when I was 18 years old."

**Verne** (dumbfounded)**:** " 'The Cupcake War?' "

**RJ:** "They enslaved the cupcakes."

**Verne:** "So you liberated them. Then let me guess…you ate them all?"

**RJ:** "Freedom always has a cost."

As Pierre is gaining on them the man says, "Steal _my_ cupcakes 13 years ago will you?! Well I have a message from a client who works here: How about I steal your life?!"

**RJ:** "Everyone scatter! He can't catch us all!"

The result is immediate, but not without a voice of concern.

**Velma:** "Verne, Plushie and I are slower than everyone else! He'll catch us easily and then we'll be facing execution!"

**RJ:** "Of course not. You'll keep him distracted long enough for me to think of a plan…" (Humorously) "And if worse comes to worse, at least they outlawed the death penalty for stealing 17,568-item snack kits years ago…You'll be chillin' in solitary confinement."

**Verne:** "This isn't funny!...You know scratchy toilet paper gives me a rash—Ack!"

Pierre nabs Verne who retreats in his shell.

**Pierre** (gloatingly)**: **"Buenos noches, reptile."

From the security room, Dwayne scowls in frustration before responding.

**Dwayne** (speaking at the camera as if Pierre could hear him)**: **"Those're just _my_ words with one change in them! At least think of _something_ original!"

Lou immediately notices Verne getting captured and tells Plushie (who is beside him), " 'Leaping grenade!' "

Plushie nods with a twinkle of excitement in his eyes. He curls into his shell whereby Lou grabs him, spins around a few times, and throws the young turtle into Pierre's face. The man drops Verne who wastes no time in getting to his feet and running as fast as a turtle can.

But due to the traps that Pierre set up in every grocery aisle, the animals who fled off are forced into running in the same direction—into a wall where the man corners them. He then gets out some clamps, snapping the device aggressively while a devious smile stretches across his face.

**Ozzie:** "We're goners! Uh!" (Faints)

**Velma:** "Goodbye cruel world!"

Suddenly, Hammy appears on top of a shelf wearing a squirrel-sized Batman suit and says "Never fear, Batsquirrel is here!" (While diving toward Pierre) "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na BATSQUIRREL!"

Pierre gets pantsed by Hammy, showing his hear-dotted underwear. All the animals laugh at the man while the porcupine teens take cell phone pictures of Pierre as he flees from the store in embarrassment.

**Hammy:** "You're all safe, now. Let's leave!"

**RJ:** "Why didn't I think of that?"

**Verne:** "Thinking about this heist was your first mistake. Your second one was forgetting how unpredictable Hammy is!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next morning the Cost-Lo manager fires Dwayne for failing to stop the theft of a truck load of food from animals. Not to mention the security footage showing Pierre's later arrival—and Pierre's loud mouth when being questioned by police—proved Dwayne was sleeping on the job.

But as Dwayne leaves the Cost-Lo, he makes a solemn vow.

**Dwayne:** "I'll get you meddlesome creatures one day! You'll see! Yeah…you'll see."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Back at the log, the animals celebrate the largest heist they ever pulled off. RJ addresses Hammy once everyone has calmed down.

**RJ:** "Hammy, you saved us from Verm-Tech!"

**Penny:** "How can we ever repay you?"

Hammy grins from ear to ear while his arms wide open, causing the others to group hug him. But right as they prepare to move away, Hammy says "I didn't say to stop yet."

**Hedgies:** "Our bad."

They continue to hug him…And after 17 hours, RJ complains, "My belly button's asleep."

**Verne:** "I can't feel my spleen."

**Ty:** "I gotta use the boys bush."

**Rebecca:** "I'm hungry."

**Hammy:** "Ok, I feel more loved now!"

**Rick:** "No more hugs for a week."

**Everyone except Hammy:** "Agreed."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**See, I had a reason for using a 1960s **_**Batman**_** series transition after all! (Rhetorically) And you thought I was simply being random?! I laugh at you: Ha ha!**

**Anyway, I'd like to thank Blu100-Jewel100's review of Chapter 3 for inspiring me to go ahead and use the story in this chapter as the next one. Even though I never intended Chapter 3 to be a filler—to keep readers ready for something big in the next chapter—and wanted to do few chapters before this one, Blu100-Jewel100's remark reminded me that chronological order is not important in an anthology story. **

**Hope you enjoyed and this will sadly be the lat of my story updates for a while. I start my fall semester at Montevallo next week and will be relaxing until that time. **

**See you later!**


	5. Droning Around

**Chapter 5: Droning Around**

**Happy Holidays everyone (at the time of this posting on 12/20/2016)! Keeping with my annual tradition, here's a new chapter of one of my **_**Over the Hedge**_** stories as an early present for your enjoyment!**

* * *

**Note****: The following chapter is based on the **_**Over the Hedge**_** comic strip dated March 21-26, 2016, and October 11-14, 2016. **

Verne and RJ are walking alone together on a bright, clear, and temperature-perfect (not too hot but not too cold) day when Verne notices something sticking out of the side of a bush.

**Verne:** "Check it out! A downed drone!"

The drone is gray in color, has four propellers, and comes with modular undercarriage that allows different appendages to be fastened to it.

**RJ:** "Cool beans!" (Starts climbing the bush)

**Verne:** "Wait, you're thinking about using it?"

RJ is already back on the ground and carrying the drone when Verne's question ends.

**RJ **(rhetorically)**:** "What else?

**Verne:** "But it's useless without a remote..."

**RJ:** "Just a sec."

The raccoon puts the drone down and practically enters his golf bag to start scrounging through it, leaving only his body from the waist-down visible to the turtle. The sight is so strange that it's admittedly kind of cute: a small blue and black golf bag with a furry lower half, it's like a Saturday morning show with anthropomorphic furniture.

Without pulling himself out of his golf bag, RJ throws out a digital camera, a two-year old Twinkie that lands on the ground like a rock, sparkler fireworks, lipstick, a mini cereal box, a backscratcher, a clown nose, a can of silly string, a crazy straw with so many loops that it could function as a roller coasters for ants, a ping pong ball and paddle, a construction tape measurer, a pocket-sized book titled _Get Rich Quick For Dummies and/or Animals_, a can of playdough, a pack of gum with one slip sticking out, and finally a silver-plated aluminum can.

**RJ **(muffled voice)**:** "Now that I've cleared out the first layer, it's time to for the real searching to begin."

Verne rolls his eyes and decides that a stick of the gum would hit the spot while helping to pass the time. He picks up the pack, grabs the stick, and pulls. He yelps when his entire hand suddenly gets jolted by electricity, the trick gum pack causing the appendage to go numb shortly after.

**RJ** (muffled voice)**:** "Something wrong, Verne?"

Verne doesn't want RJ to add insult to injury, and tells a cleaver fib instead.

**Verne:** "Nothing. Just stepped on a sticker bush leaf."

The turtle sighs and then approaches the aluminum can. There's no label on it whatsoever, making him curious about what's inside. When he discovers he can't pull it off, he twists it instead—

—And the joke snakes that pop out, literally scares the shell off him!

As Verne quickly puts his shell back on, he's thankful that RJ's next comment has nothing to do with anything that just happened to the turtle.

**RJ:** "Ta-da! Problem solved."

The raccoon is holding a drone remote that looks like a videogame controller. It's also universal, so it can be compatible with any drone after being programmed.

Verne notices RJ looking at the open joke snake can and trick pack of gum that are on the ground, which makes him change the subject before RJ could say a punchline.

**Verne** (points at RJ's bag)**:** "I suppose you have an anvil in there too?"

**RJ:** "I used to. But I had to make room for my artisan Milk Duds."

**Verne thinking:** "_So much for preventing a punchline..._"

* * *

A dating couple in their mid-20s is having a picnic in the backyard of one of the, uh, estates in the Elysian Fields Estates. The man's name is Joshua and the woman's name is Larissa (pronounced Luh'rissa, like Melissa). Both had originally met on and subsequently communicated via an online dating website, and decided they wanted to meet each other in person today. They both liked going on picnics, but wanted to be at a place with more privacy than a public park. They couldn't go into the woods either because those were off-limits, and there were rumors of rabid animals. Therefore, the backyard of Joshua's house is the best choice to suit their needs. It might seem a little tacky, but his backyard is ant-free thanks to ant killer that he had spread on the ant beds.

**Larissa:** "Oh, Joshua? I'd like some more grapes."

**Joshua:** "Anything for you, Larissa." (Jokily like a fast food worker) "One order of grapes coming right up..."

Prompted by Larissa's giggle, he turns around, reaches into the picnic basket, and pulls out a cluster of 10 grapes connected by the stem(s). As soon as he turns back toward his girlfriend, there is a _SWOOSH!_, a gust of wind, and then he sees the picnic basket being hoisted up up and away by a drone with a grabber claw attached to its undercarriage.

**Larissa:** "What was that?" (Looks into the sky) "A drone?!"

**Joshua:** "Uh...Picnic's over, babe. But I've still got plenty of food in the house we can eat."

**Larissa** (sighs)**:** "Fine...Let's go."

As the two of them head inside, the drone heads back to the hedge and drops the basket off at its destination.

**Lou:** "If Yogi Bear was real, he sure would be proud of you, RJ."

**RJ:** "Thanks, Lou...or should I say, Lou-Lou! But hold the gratitude until I'm done with the next heist."

RJ and Verne are sitting on top of the hedge with the rest of the family. RJ keeps controlling the drone and now makes it fly toward an open-lidded garbage can located beside the back door of a house.

**Verne:** "Why do we even need a drone?"

**RJ:** "You're seriously asking that?"

**Velma:** "We're already tech-savvy, and can easily do any heist on-foot RJ, so what's the point?"

**RJ** (grins)**: **"Heh-heh. Just observe."

RJ makes the drone drop into the garbage can, whereby the monitor screen on the controller in his paws goes completely dark.

**Ozzie:** "How can you see what you're doing, RJ?"

**RJ:** "Rick, dad, mom, and Luby: fill 'em in. Roger, Mary, Rebecca, Ty, and Bernard: listen closely...because as raccoons, or raccoon hybrids, this is a life lesson."

The younger kids give their attention to the first adult who speaks.

**Rick **(talks like a teacher giving a lecture)**:** "A raccoon doesn't need to see while rummaging through any type of garbage can."

**Luby** (ditto)**: **"Raccoons simply go by _the feel_ which is as much internal as it is external."

**Sarah** (ditto)**:** "_The feel_ is internal in the sense that it draws from our species' genetically passed instinct. You ever heard the phrase, 'You want it so bad that you can taste it'? It's the same with us, except we want something so bad that we can _feel_ it...Feel as in touch. It's enables raccoons to not only imagine the touch of the items we're specifically searching for, but let's us avoid what we don't want...or what we can get as a substitute if what we originally want isn't in the garbage."

**Rogan** (ditto)**:** "_The feel_ is external in that, with enough experience, our sensitive paws can adapt to the point of being able to selectively feel the thing we want to get. Nothing can offset this, whether our paws are actually touching the garbage we're reaching into, or if RJ is holding a drone remote."

Raccoon or not, the family "Ooh's" and "Ahh's" at the insight.

**RJ:** "Speaking of remote, I found what I'm looking for."

When the drone re-emerges out of the trashcan the two-pronged grapple hook and wire mounted on the bottom holds a spatula.

**Stella:** "That's all?"

**RJ:** "Been wanting to add this into my bag ever since moving to the Elysian Fields Estates."

Given the distance between the garbage can and the hedge, it takes RJ about five seconds to pilot it back to where the animals are waiting. Suddenly, the hook loses its hold on the spatula which falls and lands on Heather, the opossum going "Uh!" and playing dead immediately.

Being the kind of guy who is used to joking before getting down to serious business, RJ smiles and unconsciously says, "Neato! I can do this all day!"

As soon as the words left his mouth, his attention focuses on Heather and he yammers, "Oops! Sorry, honey."

RJ waits for his mate to respond, but she doesn't.

**RJ:** "Okay Heather, you can get up now."

Still nothing happens, making RJ anxious which causes his adrenaline to surge. He gets beside Heather and shakes her.

**RJ:** "Heather? You okay?"

The marsupial remains silent and now the rest of the forest family shifts to look at her.

**RJ:** "Say something!"

RJ leans down and puts his right ear onto Heather's chest. He hears and feels the _B'_ of the _B'dum_ of her heart. It's immediately followed by a loud "Boo!" which causes RJ—a raccoon that has not the slightest relation to an opossum in biological behaviorisms—to play possum.

**Heather:** "Got'cha!"

**Bernard:** "Good one, mommy!"

**Plushie:** "A prank on a prank...Who'd have guessed it?"

**Rogan:** "According to the law of pranks, this means Heather gets to have a turn with the drone."

**RJ** (still on the ground and holding the spot on his chest where his heart is)**:** "...Fine by me."

He holds the drone remote up and Heather takes it into her paws.

**Heather:** "Hmm...Now what should_ I_ do with the drone...?"

After 10 seconds of silence, Heather's acute sense of smell picks up the aroma of something extra delicious coming from one of the countless houses at Elysian Fields.

**Heather** (smile)**:** "I got it. Follow my lead."

**RJ:** "I'll teach you the basics on how to control that drone on the way.

She nods and the whole family stealthily moves into the suburbs.

* * *

Heather and the family are now hiding in the bushes of a front yard.

**Heather:** "It's time to take things to the next level, family and friends."

**Hammy** (talks fast and with no pause)**:** "It'll be just like that time RJ got the birthday cake for your wedding, expect you'll be doing it with a drone this time. What was it called? Oh yeah, he said 'This is how we go on a heist without going through the hedge!' "

**Plushie:** "You sure this'll work, Aunt Heather?"

**Heather:** "Trust me, Plushie."

The target house has an open window to air out the smell of the Lean Cuisine meal that a wife named Jessica had microwaved for lunch. As for the husband named Mark (a Caucasian man in his early 40's with red hair that's in a crew cut, a yellow collared shirt, and blue jeans), he has a full ham fresh off the charcoal smoker that's he's preparing to cut up.

The drone enters through the window equipped with a large deep-sea saltwater fishing hook (the size of a human arm from the fingernails to the elbow) attached to the cable instead of a grapple hook. With RJ's superb instructions still fresh on her mind, Heather expertly pilots the drone so that it snags onto and then snatches up the whole ham and flies it out of the window.

Mark is so shocked at what just happened (in the blink of an eye) that his expression is vacant. However, his voice is full of disdain.

**Mark:** "This is all your fault, Jessica! If you hadn't made that lean cuisine then I wouldn't have left a window open!"

**Stella:** "Does anyone else find it wrong how his first instinct is to blame someone else when something beyond his or her control happens?"

**Penny:** "That's humans for ya..."

**Hammy:** "Who cares about them? Let's eat some yummy ham!"

**Rebecca:** "You said it, Hammy. And thanks for getting the ham, Heather. Even animals like us think lean cuisine is disgusting, amiright?"

**De'Ausha:** "I'll say...That food smells worse to me than me and my mama's stink."

There's no argument with that—showing that the family really hates lean cuisine—and they walk back to the hedge with their ham...A truly delectable prize.

* * *

_The next day..._

After a long morning of spending time with Plushie and his other "nieces" and "nephews," Verne has been taking a nice and refreshing nap for two hours. Ever since moving to the vast woods bordering the Elysian Fields Estates, the hedge family is no longer restricted to one Pad area. Like RJ's favorite hammock napping spot, each family within the larger family has enough woodland room for their own private R&amp;R space. Verne is currently in his which is a partially submerged and abandoned otter nest that runs against the bank of a small creek.

He would have slept longer if a commotion brewing outside didn't pass through his ears. He recognizes the voices of RJ, the porcupine and bat teens, Penny, Annette, and De'Ausha. Among the phrases he can coherently make out are, "There! There! Watch out! Easy does it...That way!"

It sounds like they're watching someone playing a videogame on a hot-streak; the type of gameplay that happens when the player has reached a level that he and no one else has beaten, and all are about to see what is past the "point of failed attempts." But Verne also hears the newly-familiar sound of the drone buzzing around in the air, making him all the more eager to find out what's going on.

Needing to know, he stretches, exits his nap spot, and then follows the voices. When he comes into eyesight of the huddle of animals around someone in the center, he notices that De'Ausha has also invited her skunk friend Ladarius. The boy has come because he is eager to learn more about how his secret crush's family has fun fooling with humans.

Penny notices Verne when she turns around to check her surroundings and says, "You gotta come and see this, Verne-o!"

**Verne: **"Looks like my timing is perfect, then."

When Penny makes room for Verne to fit in the huddle, the turtle can see RJ in the middle and standing near the hedge with the drone remote in his paws while the teens root him on or tell his what to do...even the bats despite their inability to see.

**Emily:** "Go left!"

**Bucky:** "No, right!"

**Marilyn:** "Use your ears, not your eyes!"

**Ladarius:** "Have you found it yet?"

RJ responds smoothly, like a guy who's in complete control and loving every second of it.

**RJ:** "Relax everyone, I know what I'm doing. Just watch and learn."

**Verne:** "What's going on?"

**RJ** (still focusing on the drone's video feed screen on the remote)**:** "Technology to the rescue."

**Verne:** "You mean the drone?"

**RJ:** "Please, Verne. Drones are so yesterday. This isn't a drone..."

Beyond the hedge, a pudgy Hispanic man with short, black hair and wearing a red casual shirt and khaki pants has just unwrapped his sub sandwich. It's laced with roast beef, salami, lettuce, tomatoes, salt, green peppers, olives, mustard and mayonnaise. He stares at it hungrily with his mouth watering. He licks his lips and opens his mouth wide, closing his eyes while doing so in preparation to savor the flavor with a heightened sense of taste—

—Only to bite down on air when Hammy, strapped to the drone's cable, quite audible snatches up the sandwich with a _YOINK!_ The man would have chased after his lunch, but RJ makes the drone climb high into the sky and out of the disappointed human's reach.

RJ pilots the drone back to the hedge and lowers the squirrel who, judging the height to be just right, releases the sandwich for the younger animals to dig into.

**RJ:** "...It's a perpetual feeding machine."

**Hammy** (grinning while pointing to himself with his thumb)**:** "And IIII helped!"

**RJ **(while holding up the drone remote)**:** "Who wants a go at it?"

Everyone present raises their paws—even Verne who is marveled at how the drone can be used to bring the family closer together. Like many times before, RJ's shenanigans have had a positive impact on the relationship between the hedgies...and without resorting to TV.

Verne feels his tail start to tingle, but for the first time in his long life, it's not worry that causes this.

Instead it is the feeling that adventure is lying just around the corner.

* * *

RJ, the other animals from before, and now Heather are currently standing or sitting inside the hedge near the top which makes them appear as if half of their bodies are submerged in green leaves. The one at the helm of the drone is Emma, and Hammy is once again strapped to the flying invention's cable...but with a slight tweak this time.

The tweak is exemplified by the oppossaccoons, Mary and Bernard ,who have joined the other animals on Heather's recommendation to practice their opossum heritage given how Hammy will conduct the next food collection caper.

**Emma: **"We're almost there, get ready you two."

Mary and Bernard pull themselves up so that they're standing on top of the hedge and face their audience of animal onlookers.

**Emma:** "Ok, now!"

**Bernard** (while doing dramatic paw motions that perfectly match his voice inflections)**:** "Eh-hem, look a_live_ and be_hold _fellow animal spectators: The human family Bar-B-Q. A pleasant and _idyllic_ scene of grand fellowship, intoxicating ar_o_mas, and _succulent_ cookery. All without leaving the comfort of one's home!"

**Mary** (ditto)**:** "That is, un_til..._"

The human chef is a Caucasian man with a big round nose, wearing a red apron, white plaid golf shirt, blue jeans, and a white chef hat, and has just picked up five fresh hotdogs in a Bar-B-Q fork. The instant he turns around to place the delicious franks on a large plate, he stands in shock—his up-straight chef hat drooping down—and horror at...

**Mary: **"The cunning, the _dazz__ling_, the daring, the brave and the **bold**, Hammy Hood appears!"

As Mary and Bernard continue, the events they described are exactly what transpire at the yard where Hammy is located.

**Mary:** "Riding on his noble steed, dubbed the Drone of _Justice_, with his trusty bow and arrow pulled back and aiming with his _left_ eye closed and **right** eye open at the _un_suspecting victim..."

**Bernard:** "Who can but only _gaze_ in bewilderment and" (low and dark) "feeeeaaaarrrr." (Back to his regular dramatic voice tone) "Hammy Hood can't speak the human language, but his message is clear, _clearer_ than a perfectly polished mirror: hand over the food and no one gets hurt! Uhhhh!" (Faints)

**Mary:** "With no other choice to make, the human surrenders his food, _surrenders_ his dignity—**all of it**—to the wily Hammy Hood. The gesture is one of pure acceptance of _his_ defeat and of _Hammy Hood's_ triumph!"

**Bernard** (gets back up)**:** "His prize thus collected, Hammy Hood's Drone of Justice flies away from the once serene, the once _safe_ and _secure_, backyard Bar-B-Q set up!"

**Mary** (putting a paw to her ear which is perked up at its maximum height)**:** "Hark! The faint and low hum of something up in the sky! Not a bird, not a plane, not even _Superman_. It's—"

The drone carrying Hammy comes within view. In addition to the five hotdogs on the Bar-B-Q fork, Hammy is also carrying the plate that has five burgers, ketchup, mustard, and two bags of potato chips.

**Hammy **(poor yet entertaining impression of a British accent)**:** "Tis I, Hammy Hood! I rob from the fat and give to un-fat! Let there be Bar-B-Q for _**ALLLLL!**_"

The animals waste no time grubbing for the food. After a few moments of chow time, RJ talks to his kids.

**RJ:** "That was a great performance, kids!"

RJ feels something is wrong when his daughter speaks in a cautioned tone as if she's afraid of how he will react.

**Mary:** "Uh, thanks, daddy. But we need to hear that from mommy or grandpa Ozzie for an official compliment."

**RJ** (confused)**:** "Why can't I do it too?"

**Bernard** (same tone as his twin sister)**:** "Because you're not trained in the art of drama like a possum is."

**RJ:** "What do you mean? I can be dramatic! I know a thing or two about good performances as well."

**Heather: **"Look RJ, I know you mean well but this is something only a possum can teach their children."

**RJ:** "I played dead the other day, remember?"

**Heather:** "Yes, you played dead, but you weren't playing possum. There's a big difference."

**Ozzie:** "She right. Playing dead is something any animal can do. Even humans teach their dogs to do that, but only opossums have the majestic talent to play possum."

**RJ **(sighs)**:** "Okay...I get it..."

**Verne:** "Cheer up, RJ. You and Heather knew the risks of marrying each other and raising kids. All married couples argue, but when each of the two is of a different species there are certain attributes that only one of your two species can teach their kids. This also includes providing specific emotional support or praise."

**RJ:** "Yeah...That unavoidable, dead end loophole...But only a raccoon can teach his kids how to pull a heist with a drone."

**Heather:** "But I was doing well when I had it."

**RJ **(rhetorically)**:** "Who's the one that originally came up with the idea of using a drone in the first place?"

**Heather** (sighs and speaks in the same reluctant acceptance that her mate had done before)**:** "You...A raccoon."

RJ nods with a big smile on his face and everyone resumes eating. One of whom is Ladarius who thinks he should spend more time hanging out with De'Ausha's large family. But he also wants to show off his good baseball throwing arm to the animals who haven't seen him in action yet.

**Ladarius:** "Yo, Hammy? Wanna dog?" (Holds up a hotdog)

**Hammy:** "Oh, oh! Throw it in my mouth!"

**Ladarius:** "Sure thing. Open wide!"

The young skunk takes aim when Hammy opens his mouth, and throws the hotdog. Hammy rapidly chomps his teeth like a typewriter on speed, which enables him to chew the tasty meat as it passes into his mouth without the hotdog losing its momentum. As Hammy licks his lips to get the mustard and ketchup off, Ladarius gives a fistpump while saying, "Bullseye!"

**Hammy:** "Speaking of bullseye, I really wanted to shoot the bow and arrow."

**Quillo:** "Here, shoot this."

The teenage porcupine points at the bullseye target he just put on a tree using a ketchup squeeze bottle. Hammy becomes Hammy Hood again as he pulls back the arrow on his bow and lets go. The arrow hits the bullseye, unexpectedly bounces off the tree, goes to the right; Verne ducks his head into his shell to avoid getting hit, the arrow passes through the middle of a donut that Tiger was about to eat, hits a rock, goes upward; hits a tree branch, goes downward, and finally stops after hitting and breaking the drone camera.

**All animals:** "Hammy!"

**Hammy:** "Ummmmmm...Sorry."

**Verne:** "You could have hit one of us! No cookies for three days, Hammy."

**Hammy:** "NOOOOOOOOOO—!"

**Lou:** "The camera is broken. How will we do long-range drone heists now?"

**Hammy:** "—OOOOOOOOO!"

**RJ:** "No worries, Lou. My bag's got all the solutions."

**Hammy:** "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—!"

_Riiiiiiip! Slap!_, and RJ has duct-taped Hammy's mouth closed.

**RJ:** "Like I said, my bag has all the solutions...For _everything_."

* * *

Two days have passed since "Hammy Hood's" heist and Luby sits on a high tree branch that gives a great view of the Elysian Fields Estates...She is watching...waiting for...

Once she sees what she has been striving for two hours, she hurriedly climbs down to the ground. The first animal she talks to is Verne who, noticing her approach, listens intently.

**Luby: **"It's time."

Verne nods and heads over to Rebecca standing four feet away and passes the message, "It's time" on. The message is passed 28 more times as each family member tells the next "It's time." Only two are left now, and each is on top of the hedge. One is holding the drone remote, and another is holding a pair of binoculars to the drone pilot's eyes—RJ's suggestion to compensate for the loss of the drone camera. This enables the pilot to still see the drone in order to control it over vast distances. The binoculars are pretty large, and contain objective lenses that have a five inch circumference. This requires the holder to lift the device over her head.

**Sarah** (holding the binocs)**:** "It's time."

**Rick** (the drone pilot)**:** "It's time indeed...The perfect time for a drone incursion."

**Ty** (climbs up to be next to Rick)**: **"Why's that, daddy?"

**Roger** (ditto)**:** "Yeah, all you told us to do in your plan was to say 'It's time.' You never told us why."

**Ty** (cross tone)**:** "You may have extended them, but you still copied _my_ words, ya unoriginal copy cat!"

**Roger** (mockingly)**:** "I'll copy alright...Copy my knuckle imprints into your face!"

Before a fight can break out, Sarah puts down the binoculars, Rick puts the drone in idle, and turns his head toward his twin sons.

**Rick** (firmly)**:** "You and your brother better apologize and settle down before _I_ copy _my_ paw prints on both of your rear ends."

**Ty **(gulps)**:** "Yes, daddy..." (Turns toward Roger) "I'm sorry Roger."

**Roger:** "I'm sorry too, Ty."

Satisfied, Sarah lifts the binoculars back up, and Rick redirects his attention to controlling the drone he's seeing in the distance...Unaware that his sons lock gazes and say in the minds, "_Sorry for _now_…_"

**Rick:** "Anyway, the reason why it's the perfect timing is because Mr. Tendall has just come back from the grocery store!"

* * *

As Mr. Tendall (a Caucasian man wearing glasses, a blue baseball cap, a blue collared short sleeve shirt and casual khaki pants) is walking from the car to his front door with a bag of groceries, he, like anyone doing the same, does so off-handedly and not with a drive of purpose. It's just like walking to a door, you do it out of routine and without much thought.

A blur of motion, a _NAB!_, and the feeling of his arms carrying no more weight will remind him to hold onto groceries tighter. If he doesn't, then squirrels like Hammy, who is currently strapped to the drone, can steal his bag and fly off with it.

After Rick pilots the drone back to the hedge where the family is waiting, Hammy dumps the contents out of the bag, and Verne inspects.

**Verne:** "Dishwasher soap, toilet paper, and a plunger..."

Everyone looks at Hammy with unpleasant expressions.

**Hammy:** "I wasn't controlling it. I just grabbed the item or items the drone took me to...like I was told to do."

Now, everyone looks at Rick with unpleasant expressions on their faces, knowing that what Hammy just said is completely true.

**Rick** (embarrassed)**: **"What? There are still a few, uh, kinks in the system."

**RJ:** "May I remind you that the drone is only a tool. The bag it flies toward to steal from is something the pilot decides."

**Rick** (defensive)**:** "Ok, so I didn't examine the contents closely enough and reacted out of my raccoon instincts of grabbing whatever's in sight." (Normal voice tone) "The longer you sit here pointing fingers, the less food we can get."

**Verne **(to the family)**:** "You heard the guy, back to your stations." (To Rick) "But Sarah gets to pilot the drone now. Maybe an older raccoon with more experience can do the job more efficiently."

Rick sighs while holding out the drone remote as his head is stooped down in shame.

**Rick:** "Fair enough...Here ya go, Sarah."

* * *

Sarah is sitting on top of the hedge watching the drone in the distance using binoculars that RJ is holding at her eyes. In the time it took for RJ to instruct his mom how to control the drone, the Tendall's have finished unloading groceries, so Sarah has been looking for new pickings to steal. As she observes, she speaks quickly like reading from a list, and the objective lenses reflex the things she is seeing.

**Sarah** (sees a dog chewing on a leftover steak)**:** "No." (Sees an outdoor buffet with lots of people around) "No." (Sees a construction crew lining up to purchase food from a woman driving a roach coach) "Definitely no." (Sees a man putting a trout on a grill that he closes) "No." (Sees a mother throwing away an empty watermelon) "No—" (Sees something in the next front yard) "—Ah! There we are. Pizza delivery for me!"

There is a teenage pizza delivery boy (a very skinny African American whose body-frame looks like a twig) approaching the front porch of a house. With his back facing Hammy and the drone, he has no idea that he's about to be stolen from.

Sarah patiently keeps her fingers idle on the drone controls, waiting for the perfect time to strike.

**Sarah:** "Aaaaaannnnnnd..."

The image reflected onto the binoculars' lenses shows the pizza boy ringing the doorbell.

**Sarah:** "NOW!"

Her fingers dance along the controls, and on the doorstep the delivery boy hears a _Ka-SNATCH!_, and his pizza is taken high into air.

—And him along with it because Hammy had caught the guy by the belt.

Seeing this through the binocs, Sarah shakes her head side to side in frustration and makes the drone fly back to where she's sitting on the hedge. The human can only look befuddled as the raccoon talks to the squirrel in squeaks to his ears. He couldn't care any less to be honest. He's more concerned about trying to comprehend how any of this happened to him in the first place than with how the animals can communicate with each other.

**Sarah** (indignantly)**:** "I didn't order extra dweebs on my pizza, Hammy."

**Hammy:** "Sorry, but he wouldn't let go. It was either him and the pizza, or no pizza at all."

**Sarah** (sighs)**:** "RJ? Use your hand signals to tell the human to give me the pizza."

She waits for five seconds, and then turns to RJ when the pizza still hasn't been dropped.

**Sarah:** "Did you hear me, son?"

RJ is staring at the sight of Hammy with the human and how both are being carried by the drone. She knows that this means he's in deep thought, and that he'll snap back into reality only when he's finished.

**Sarah:** "Fine. I'll do it myself."

She makes the drone back up, and nods at Hammy who drops the human. Thanks to the position of the drone, the human's arms hit the top of the hedge and lose grip on the pizza, which now lays at Sarah's feet, and the teenager falls on the human side of the hedge.

By this time, RJ also refocuses in the present.

**RJ:** "Mom...You've just given me a _**great**_, new idea!" (Hugs Sarah).

**Sarah:** "That _is_ what mothers are for."

Because of all the playful fun and low-risk heists that the drone has made possible lately, no one—not even Verne—gives RJ's intentions a second thought. They turn their attention to the pizza and let him walk to his favorite nap spot in privacy.

* * *

_Three days later..._

RJ is sitting on top of the hedge with the drone remote in his lap. This is a particular sight that Verne has become accustomed to in recent days.

But he's _not_ accustomed to seeing a family member, 1: Facing toward the highway instead of the suburbs. And 2: Not using binoculars to do whatever deed they're about to do with the drone.

Because this is genuinely something that's amiss, Verne climbs up the hedge and sits down beside RJ.

**Verne:** "I would normally ask, 'Don't you think you and your drone have hoisted enough suburban swag.' But I can tell you're _not_ doing that."

The turtle doesn't say anything else, knowing that RJ has received all the prompt he needs to break the ice about what he's doing.

**RJ:** "Ha! Suburban swag is soooo last week."

**Verne** (grins)**:** "It's only been three days since we've used the drone."

RJ brushes the correction aside and responds in the same motion when he speaks again.

**RJ:** "My point is, with my new drone, we'll **really** be in business!"

**Verne:** "_**New**_ drone?"

Verne looks in the direction RJ is facing when the latter goes into his "Do not interrupt me, I need concentration" mode. At the same time, the turtle hears the honk of a semi truck horn. The logo running down the side of the detachable trailer reads "Twinkies." Needless to say that Verne isn't surprised at the raccoon's choice of what to steal...

But he _**is**_ surprised when a 50 foot drone with 10 helicopter-sized rotors lands on top of the truck! Letting the truck continue to drive, the drone rises up with a steel cable and crane magnet (coming out of its belly) attached to the semi trailer. If that wasn't enough, two-pronged cargo clamps resembling a prize-grabber claw comes out of the drone's belly and get a tight hold of the trailer. RJ then lands the drone back onto the truck trailer, and Verne watches wide-eyed as the aerial monstrosity picks up the truck and starts carrying it toward the hedge.

Not knowing what's happening to his vehicle, and aggravated at the sudden jolt, the truck driver opens his door and looks toward the ground—only to see that the ground is 20 feet below him and getting farther away! He hurriedly shuts the door, his facial expression of fear and bewilderment mirroring that of Verne's when the turtle looks at RJ.

Seeing that RJ is still concentrating on piloting the drone, but feeling too shocked to remain silent, Verne reaches out to tap the raccoon on the shoulder to ask him something. However, RJ's raccoon clairvoyance—or maybe because he knows his secondary father-figure so well—makes him respond to Verne before the turtle makes contact.

**RJ:** "If you think my new drone is impressive, you should've seen the Amazon drone that delivered it."

Verne rolls his eyes while letting out a cynical sigh, his expression going cold. As the event unfolds before him, he realizes that he and RJ are truly on different sides of the spectrum.

RJ sees more food coming his way; while Verne sees the many suburbanites and local law enforcement officers staring, pointing, videoing, and photographing the truck-carrying drone.

And for the first time in ages, his tail is tingling...the_ imminent danger _tingle.

* * *

It's been one day since the "Twinkie Truck Incident," and RJ is relaxing in his hammock while Tiger operates the normal-sized drone. Verne approaches his fellow family co-leader to speak to him of a very important matter.

**Verne:** "RJ."

RJ grumbles (not speaks) his response off-handedly, his mind dead-set on continuing to relax.

**RJ:** "Not now, Hammy. I'll help you find your nuts later..."

As the raccoon turns to the side so that his back is facing the turtle, Verne thinks back to the joke Heather played on RJ earlier in the week. He uses the memory to devise a solution worthy of a raccoon: prank time.

He goes to the log, gets some bush clippers, returns to the hammock, and snips the strings holding up RJ's legs. The raccoon falls to the ground and gets up in a bad mood.

**RJ:** "What the?! How the?! When the?! Where the?! Who the?!" (Notices the turtle) "Oh, it's you..."

**Verne:** "Wakey, wakey; eggs n' bakey."

**RJ:** "Eggs and bacon sure would take my mind off of what _you_ just did."

**Verne:** "Figure of speech, RJ."

**RJ** (mad)**:** "What?!"

**Verne:** "Now that I have your full attention, there's something we need to talk about that concerns the whole family. Follow me."

**RJ** (while walking with Verne)**: **"How's that any different from what we normally talk about?"

**Verne:** "Before six days ago, we didn't have a drone."

**RJ:** "So what is it that's bothering ya?"

**Verne:** "I'm starting to think this drone thing is a bad idea."

**RJ:** "How so?"

By now the reptile and raccoon have arrived at the main area where the log is, and RJ discovers that Verne isn't the only one to harbor such feelings, as the next speaker clearly indicates.

**Rebecca:** "Well, don't you think it makes it too easy to steal food?"

**RJ:** "Really, Becca? How did _you_ agree with Verne?"

**Sarah:** "Because I did too."

**Lou:** "Me three."

**Velma:** "Me four."

They turn to face Rick who is about to start a marshmallow eating contest with his sons.

**Rick:** "Don't look at me, I'm neutral on the subject of the drone."

**RJ:** "All of you need to relax...Stop worrying about things until there's something to really worry about."

**Verne:** "Ever since yesterday, my tail has been tingling. And given our family history, I know that you'll get too lost in the joy and thrill of the moment while overlooking the long-term effects—More than usual, that is. But you've already gone that far ever since buying that mega-drone off the black market."

**RJ** (drops his cool, laid-back demeanor and speaks in panic)**: **"How did find out—!" (Regains composure) "I mean, uh, what're you talking about, Verne?"

**Velma:** "Don't play dumb, RJ. Either you come clean and tell us everything about that thing, or _**we'll**_ do it for you."

RJ can tell by look on the others' faces, and especially Velma's cross tone, that he best tell the truth if he values his freedom. That, and he realizes he's not the only one who knows the username and password for accessing his online shopping account...Now...

**RJ** (sighs)**: **"So I illegally bought a prototype drone that had recently been stolen from DARPA by secret agents working for a terrorist cell..." (Talks nonchalantly) "It's not like anyone's gonna mind about something that's meant for cargo hauling."

**Note****: DARPA stands for The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency which is in charge of developing new technology for U.S. military use.**

Verne groans, walks up to RJ, grabs him by the arm, and makes the raccoon follow him into the hedge and up it. While doing that, the irate turtle says, "This is _exactly_ what I'm talking about. All you can see is what you want to see, but have you _**checked the sky yet?!**_"

Now on top of the hedge, Verne points up but doesn't take his hard eyes off RJ. After one glance at the sky, RJ looks, feels, and speaks like he just caused World War III.

**RJ:** "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh...shhhhooooooot..."

The sky is full of barrage balloons whose anchors are in most of the suburb yards, attack helicopters are buzzing in the sky below the balloons, the Elysian Fields Estates have been sealed off from the main highway with military barricades, while other barricades and checkpoints are in the suburbs. And because the only people outside houses are Army soldiers patrolling the streets, it's obvious that a curfew has been enacted and martial law has been declared.

All eyes are on RJ.

**RJ:** "Ooooookaaayyyyy...Humans are smarter and more paranoid than they look. So we'll use the camo tarp to hide the big drone, and when the military can't find it, they'll go away."

**Sarah:** "Too late, RJ, we've sent an anonymous tip to the MP checkpoint station down in the suburbs. It tells them the exact coordinates of the prototype drone."

As if on cue, three chinook helicopters hover over the spot where the large drone is parked, the wind from the rotor blades blowing the tarp away. Troops rappel down from the copters onto the drone, steel cables lower from the chinooks that the soldiers attach to the drone, and with a thumbs-up from the soldiers, the chinooks take off carrying the drone.

As the soldiers pass through the hedge, one of them talks to his radio.

**Soldier:** "This is Echo Team calling central command. We have secured the precious cargo, over. It's Oscar Mike, and so are we."

**Note****: Oscar Mike is military slang for "on the move."**

**Army general's voice over radio:** "Roger that, Echo Team...Attention to all personnel: the package is back in our possession. Dismantle the barricades, recover the barrage balloons, and report to your designated pick-up zones for departure. Our work here is done, I repeat, our work here is done."

Immediately after that, it's like Earth presses its super, atomic, omega, granddaddy-of-all fast forward button which makes everything move mechanically quick like a 2-D cartoon. It takes three seconds for the barrage balloons to deflate and be pulled to the ground; four seconds for the barricades around and inside the suburbs to be taken down, stored onto cargo trucks, and leave; two seconds for troop transportation helicopters and trucks to load up and fly away or get on the highway; and one second for the civilians to come outside their homes and do their daily activities as if nothing out of the ordinary had ever happened.

Even Verne finds it hard not to reflexively grin at the military's blistering and comical speed. It's like each and every soldier, utility worker, and vehicle ate 10 pounds of sugar, guzzled down two gallons of coffee, drank two liters of Mountain Dew, chugged 12 cans of energy drinks, and took a warehouse-load of methamphetamines.

**Verne thinking:** "_I can already see the crash after all that wears off..._"

He turns to RJ and speaks out loud.

**Verne:** "Well, I hope you've learned your lesson."

**RJ:** "You can say that again." (Turns to face the others down below) "I'm sorry everyone. We all could've gotten in serious trouble. This is the last time I order something on the black market, I promise."

Because RJ had put his hand over his heart while making his promise, the others nod and smile, showing that they forgive him.

**RJ** (sighs and talks like his best childhood friend has just moved away forever)**: **"I'm gonna miss being able to literally steal truck loads of food..."

**Verne:** "It just wasn't meant to be..."

**RJ** (optimistic)**:** "Oh well, at least we can continue using the smaller drone. What's the worst that can happen from that?

**Mark's voice behind the hedge:** "Fore!"

There's a _Whap!_, followed by a _CRASH!_, and Mark unintentionally destroys the drone by the upward drive-swing of his golf club that he was using to practice with a personal golf ball net in his backyard.

In any case, Tiger takes the loss worse than RJ.

**Tiger **(melodramatically exclaiming)**: **"Nooooo! My 15 pound bag of cat food! I thought the wife had taken away her husband's seven iron in retaliation for fussing at her for the lost ham!"

**RJ** (sighs, shakes his head side to side, and speaks in a dull tone)**:** "So much for my 'Suburb Wars: Attack of the Drones' saga..."


	6. Settling Old Scores

**Chapter 6: Settling Old Scores**

**Note****: I owe a large part of this chapter's information to** **Leni0813 who I have been assisting in making a story about the romantic relationship between Gladys and Dwayne. Assisting her with her story is what got me to create the background information of their romantic relationship in my chapter here in the first place, even if the general idea was already in my head before she and I began collaborating.**

**Leni0813, if it hadn't been for you, I would never have gotten in the mood to write the immersive information pertaining to Gladys and Dwayne. Thanks for the boost!**

**The majority of the details about Gladys and Dwayne's romantic relationship in this chapter are different from what Leni0813 and I came up with in our collab, so ownership is rightfully mine. Furthermore, the tone of this chapter is for geared for comedy, and hers is more romance. But I have her permission to post the information that is similar to our collab.**

**And I do not claim ownership of Lowe's Companies Inc., it is the property of its rightful owners. (Read on, this disclaimer will make sense).**

**With that out of the way, let's begin!**

* * *

Five miles from the Elysian Fields Estates lies a suburban neighborhood that was once 54 acres of man-made, manicured, air conditioned paradise. Now it is 5_**5**_ acres thanks to a quick and successful housing project that began and ended roughly a year and a half ago. Where once there was a span of houses as far as the eye could see, now there was a span of houses as far as the eye could see _plus six_.

The owner of one of these latter houses now heads down the main highway, going toward the settlement. He drives a car that has both brake and acceleration controls on the steering wheel.

**Driver thinking:** "_Gotta get home. Tell my wife the good news. Then surprise her with a free dinner gift card at our favorite restaurant. Next I'll pick out some nice clothes to wear, but not too nice. A golf shirt should be more than enough. Then I'll get my favorite pair of dress pants, put on my loafers, and then…_"

The driver is lost in thought so deeply that he almost forgets to slow down to make the proper turn at the sign that reads, "El Rancho Camelot Estates. Turn Left Now."

He slams on the breaks, tires squealing and rubber burning asphalt while doing so, and makes the turn into the suburbs.

He travels down the main street past 10 houses, halts at a Stop sign, and goes straight for another 15 houses before coming to a second Stop sign. He turns to the right, goes down the road past five houses, then makes a left turn at the next Stop sign, goes past three more houses, and then pulls into the driveway of the fourth; finally arriving back home.

Overall, the house is exactly like all the other houses surrounding it: two stories, a garage that can fit two cars parked side by side, one chimney, and asphalt roofing that slopes at the same precise angle. The front porch is more like a deck with the door being on the leftmost side, while the rest runs the full length of the house's front wall minus the garage, has a roof overhanging it down that length, and contains a small outdoor sofa and three chairs. The overhanging roof is wooden and the house wall is bricked. The remainder of the entire building is made up of horizontal wooden siding that is gray in color.

He exits the car, walks onto the front porch, and opens the door with his keys. Although his wife is already home, she always likes to have the doors locked out of some nit-picking need to maintain her OCD, and slight paranoia of anyone coming to rob them. He thinks it's a little bit overkill, but she sure gives him a scolding whenever she comes home to discover he had left a door or two unlocked before leaving for work in the morning. That's more than enough to convince him not to press her on her decision to lock all doors whether they are home or not.

Once he's inside, he closes the door and takes a deep breath to project his voice loudly.

**Driver:** "Oh Gla-dys, I'm ho-ome!"

Gladys comes out from the living room while saying, "There you are, Dwayne. I've been wanting to talk to you ever since I got your call."

The two wrap their arms around each other (Gladys having to flex her muscles to hold onto her husband while his cane rests on his wrist strap) and kiss with their eyes closed. While doing so, the two of them do some major personal reflection about how they have gotten where they are and how their chemistry is a perfect match.

* * *

From the moment Gladys met Dwayne nine years ago when he stepped out of the Verminator van, she was impressed at how he could not only tolerate her bossy attitude, but still do whatever she asked of him with quick efficiency. He also had the guts to talk back to her with a snide remark such as "Do _you_ in fact have an associate's degree from Verm-Tech?" after she had theorized the possum in the street that day was dead. That kind of attitude showed that he had as much spunk as she did. And although he had rather off-handedly made the comment of personally guaranteeing that there wouldn't be a living thing at her "Welcome to the Neighborhood Party," that remark seemed to have resonated with her personally like a promise...A promise that he _did_ fulfill despite failing to stop the putrid skunk from stinking up her whole house. She didn't think someone who came off as boastful as that, as in love with himself as that, and as cocky as that—which admittedly she was guilty of too, which was another reason they were perfectly suited for one another—could be as good in actions as he was in words. Again, just like herself.

This was especially true when considering his appearance. She had doubted his abilities and intellect when he had rolled into the neighborhood in his van. He was fat, had freakishly large eyes with his glasses on, wore a tacky jump suit, and had a bad choice of a toupee on his head. She secretly had a soft spot for men with comedic appearances, because they were so silly-looking that they were kind of cute.

But even back then, Dwayne was smarter than he looked. He knew that the opossum had been playing dead in the street after Debbie's car hit it, and knew the exact kind of animals that were vandalizing Gladys's utopia by smell and how to deal with them. He also knew what type of traps to set up, and where to place them for optimum efficiency in her yard as well as the surrounding yards bordering the hedge. And the reason his eyes appeared so big while wearing glasses is because he had spent so many years having to squint while tracking animal tracks. If that wasn't dedication, then she was the Queen of England.

As for Dwayne LaFontant, when he first met Gladys nine years ago he expected her to be like all his other previous customers: passive—as in they would let him do whatever he wanted without contributing much of their own input—unprofessional, and weakly constituted from paranoia and desperation. But Gladys Sharp was nothing like that. She constantly demanded him to do things her way, and let her thoughts be known to him. He liked that Gladys was a woman with a mission and strong dedication to her job with no time for nonsense to get in her way, just like he was. She had written and memorized every rule in the El Rancho Camelot Homeowners' Charter for the community to follow, tirelessly enforced those rules, and called out anyone who slipped up to make them fall in line. Only a true professional could do that. And finally, she was the one who was strong enough to take responsibility and action when the vermin animals were causing problems, while most people in the community would have never given it a second thought.

When it came to appearances, Dwayne found it attractive that Gladys tended to wear her favorite color of black like he did of orange. Though she wasn't a Tomboy, she had the appearance of a woman who was: tall, wearing a suit and pants, hair that was not too long and not too short, and facial expressions as hard as steel—Dwayne's kind of woman. Unlike most women, she had taken karate lessons as a kid instead of cheerleading or gymnastics, and she sought to be the dominate voice of any conversation. And although Dwayne had been more than willing to let Gladys take the fall for the Depelter Turbo 2000 incident and slipped away when the officers had their backs turned, he was amazed at her ability to stand her ground and deliver quite a beating to the police. Only after two more squad cars joined in were they able to subdue her.

All of this was from their first impressions alone, and the time they both spent at Verm-Tech when training Gladys to become a verminator had reinforced both of their attributes to the highest degree. That's when they started to get to know each other better personally.

During their days at Verm-Tech they discovered that, in addition to being dedicated, intelligent, strong-willed, professionals that were more than met the eye, they both shared similar political beliefs, rooted for the same pro football team (whose mascot is not an animal), and liked similar foods. Heck, for a time she and Dwayne had to wear a wig.

But most of all, they both shared a dislike for pesky animals from a young age. Dwayne's speciesm toward animals was simpler: he had grown up watching the Crocodile Hunter and Jeff Corwin track and capture animals on TV where he developed a passion for nabbing animals. This was aided by his parents who were big on hunting and raised him to hunt animals. As that happened, he always got annoyed whenever smaller vermin animals would eat the food that he and his parents had set out for game animals, which seemed to get worse and worse every year. The LaFontant family tried to stop this by setting up traps, changing shooting house or tree stand locations, and shooting the vermin, but nothing worked. Their steps to prevent vermin scavenging cost lots of money, which was a problem because Dwayne's family wasn't exactly financially secure. This made the initial annoyance turn into anger, and gave way to a lust to catch the animals alive and dealing with them personally. Ultimately the LaFontants' efforts were a waste of finances and time, because the lack of human-provided food caused the game animals to move elsewhere.

Unable to afford the costs of maintaining their property, they were forced to sell their home that had been in their family for many generations, and moved to a new and less-appealing community. Dwayne coped with the unpleasant changes by watching even more of the Crocodile Hunter and Jeff Corwin with newfound inspiration, though his intentions were darker than his role models', as he silently vowed to avenge his family's loss. Becoming a verminator provided him with a means to achieve that promise.

Gladys's hatred for animals was different. From birth to five years of age, she had liked animals thanks to her love of cartoon shows that featured them prominently. To her, they were so cute and cuddly that she wished that she could just pull them out of the TV or storybook they were in and smother them with hugs and kisses.

But one fateful day, her parents took their five year old daughter to a petting zoo which changed her feelings toward all animals _forever_. She was in the process of petting the neck of a pony—her favorite animal of all—ever so carefully, _delicately_, as kind and as soft as she possibly could, when out of nowhere the cute little equidae jerked its head and snapped its teeth at her. Gladys reeled back in time to avoid the bite, but the pony began chasing her. This started a chain of reactions that led things from bad to worse.

Shortly after the pony had started chasing her, three goats and six chickens joined in. Next, the four geese and seven ducklings took flight and rode the wake of the animals on the ground. Then, the 12 rabbits, the calf, the baby donkey, two sheep and their three lambs—the entire petting zoo—had turned the chase into a stampede. The multitude of animals made it hard to get close, but her father jumped in to save her and she held on for dear life. When he realized that he wouldn't make it over the fence in time, he tossed Gladys to her mother and was trampled by the animals. He suffered a concussion and some broken bones, but nothing was permanent—at least for him.

As for Gladys, she never forgot or forgave what happened, and was baffled at how her parents didn't press charges. Their reasons were because what had happened was a freak accident with the odds of it occurring twice being the same as the odds of getting struck by lightning. Her parents also didn't want to ruin the chance of other children having fun at the petting zoo, which for some was a childhood pastime or a never-forgettable experience at the very least.

But a million to one accident or not, the damage was done, and Gladys hated animals from that point on. Her hatred only increased with age as she learned some of the unattractive aspects about animals in school: they're dirty and smelly, carry diseases, are unnecessarily brutal, can turn on themselves or others in a second, and the less she thought about how they mark their territory and find mates, the better. By eighth grade, she vowed to take charge of a whole community that would either spurn animals as much as she does, or she would make them agree with her beliefs. Her dream was realized when she was named President of the Homeowners Association and headed the El Rancho Camelot Estates development project.

Because of what happened to her father at the petting zoo, Gladys felt a kinship with Dwayne as soon as he had revealed his handicapped status in his Verm-Tech office four years ago. After knowing their history with animals was also similar, they both knew what it was like to lose something from animals and shared in the humiliation of failing to exterminate the particular group of creatures that almost ruined their adult lives.

But the only upside to the battles with the hedgies was that it had brought Gladys and Dwayne together in marriage.

* * *

But they don't have time to think of anything beyond that, because the sound of the ringing doorbell breaks their concentration on nostalgia and forces them to pull away from their kiss.

**Dwayne:** "I'll get it."

Gladys nods and Dwayne grips his cane in his right hand, walks three feet back, and puts his left hand on the knob

**Dwayne **(while opening the door)**:** "Yello?"

To his surprise, there's no one at the doorstep, or the front porch...or front lawn for that matter.

Dwayne shrugs, closes the door, and walks back to his wife.

**Dwayne** (when he's close to her)**:** "There was no one there. And under Donna Stevenson's supervision of your Rule Book, every doorbell needs to be up to code, so it's not a malfunction."

**Gladys **(rolls her eyes)**:** "Ugh, I'm so glad I'm not like her anymore. All of those rules to follow and enforce on a daily basis while scolding people who unintentionally slip up...I don't know how I used to live with myself."

**Dwayne:** "But anyway what I wanted to tell you in person instead of over the phone was that—"

_Ding-dong!_

Dwayne turns to face the door, but Gladys puts her hand on his shoulder.

**Gladys:** "I'll get it this time."

Dwayne smiles at how Gladys continues to understand his being handicapped. She has an uncanny ability at knowing whenever he needs assistance and whenever he can do something on his own. And right now, after a long day, he'd prefer not to move around much until he's rested for a bit.

**Gladys** (while opening the door)**:** "Ye-es?"

Now it's her turn to have a look of surprise on her face at how there is no one in sight. She closes the door and walks back to Dwayne, looking at him in the eyes while speaking.

**Gladys:** "Same as what happened to you. There's no one out there."

**Dwayne:** "I wonder what's—"

_Ding-dong!_

This time Gladys runs to the door, willing to catch whoever is ringing it in the deed and report them personally to Donna Stevenson.

**Gladys thinking:** "_If that woman is as prompt as I once was, she should know that under Homeowners Rule 135 Section A—which I created—the penalty for playing ding-dong ditch is a Code Yellow Offense. Any repetition of a code yellow offense makes it a code red offense, and three code reds will result in eviction from the El Rancho Camelot Estates._"

That thought makes her feel excited. She hasn't felt such a rush like this since before she and Dwayne had gotten fired from Verm-Tech...which is pretty pathetic now when she thinks about it. But ever since their excommunication, she has become the assistant manager of the local Lowe's Housing Department, and Dwayne has become a real lawn accessory salesman. Their jobs weren't as engaging as their previous ones or as profitable, but at least they both still have a means to bring in income.

It's been two seconds since the doorbell rang, and Gladys is on the doormat with her hand on the knob.

**Gladys** (confident in that she invites a challenge)**:** "Got—"

She turns the knob and opens the door.

**Gladys** (confused)**:** "—You?"

There is nothing on the porch or yard, but Gladys intends to set the record straight.

**Gladys** (raised voice)**:** "If you prankster or pranksters can hear me, listen up! Do _that_ again and I'm calling the cops. Or worse, calling Donna Stevenson who will _really_ let you have it!"

If the person or people are from the El Rancho Camelot Estates—and there's no way that they are not—Gladys's warning about Donna Stevenson alone would put an end to any tomfoolery. Donna Stevenson is a very tall woman at 6'5 and weighing 250 pounds of body-building muscle. She was a former Marine, Green Beret, nightclub bouncer, and five time women's heavyweight boxing champion—not to mention she had a short temper. So for all intents and purposes, you'd have to have a death wish to mess with her.

Gladys slams the door shut, but doesn't leave beyond the door mantle. In fact, she beckons Dwayne over who nods and gets beside her on the inside door mat.

**Gladys:** "This way the person or persons can't leave in time."

**Dwayne:** "I like the way ya think, Gladys. But you gotta admit that whoever is doing it is pretty doggone fast...They'd have to be an Olympic gold medalist to get away as quick as they've been doing..."

**Gladys:** "But enough of the distractions. What is it that you wanted to tell me today?"

**Dwayne:** "Oh yes! I—"

_Ding!—_

Gladys and Dwayne open the door together with lightning speed.

—_Dong!_

And nothing is there! Not even a brush of wind.

Now the couple is really starting to lose their patience, not to mention tolerance. But the most disturbing thing is that they now know that no human could possibly be fast enough to escape from the front door without a trace before the doorbell finished its noise...

The two suddenly look into each other's faces, their eyes silently sharing the revelation they are both thinking: _No __human__ could be possibly fast enough_.

Their Verm-Tech training kicking in, they both sniff to identify whatever animal is playing tricks on them...but only smell their nearby spouse's perfume or cologne. If there were any animals lurking somewhere, they weren't around Gladys or Dwayne's house or either front and back yards.

But wanting to let the hoodlum(s) know just how close they are to getting punished, Dwayne says "We're onto you! You'll be sorry if you do that again."

After closing the front door, Gladys snaps her fingers.

**Gladys:** "Ah! I have an idea."

**Dwayne:** "What?"

**Gladys:** "We'll both head into the living room and just ignore the doorbell from here on out."

**Dwayne:** "Well...I guess that's better than being interrupted over and over again. Let's go."

The two walk to the living arm-in-arm. When the bell hasn't rang at all since they started moving, both of them satisfyingly conclude that the ding-dong ditcher(s) has moved on. Each is sitting on the gray sofa, Dwayne on the left cushion and Gladys in the middle cushion.

**Gladys:** "So, when you called me on my phone and told me—"

_Ding dong!_

**Gladys** (smirks at how well her new plan will work out)**:** "...That you'd be home earlier than normal with some important information—"

_Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong!_

While that was going on, Gladys raised her voice to be heard over the noise.

**Gladys:** "...What was it?"

**Dwayne:** "Remember how I said that I've been looking for a—"

Dwayne continues to speak, but all Gladys can hear is, _Dingdong!Dingdong!Dingdong!Dingdong!Dingdong!Dingdong!Dingdong!, Ding-dong!_ Not even Dwayne's raised voice is enough for her to understand him.

**Gladys:** "Huh?"

**Dwayne:** "I said—"

The doorbell goes _Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!_ Dwayne stops talking so Gladys doesn't miss anything, but man oh man is the sound getting annoying! Not only that, but it seems to get louder the faster it is rung. Knowing that their tactic of ignoring the doorbell isn't working, the couple gets up and walks over to the door; hoping to catch the unsuspecting hooligan(s) who will most likely be too busy ringing the bell to hear the couple's approach.

**Dwayne:** "I've finally—!"

With the speed and intensity of a machine gun, the doorbell no longer even makes a _ding-dong_ sound, but sounds like a school bell going, _Rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnnnnggggggggg!_ Dwayne and Gladys have to scream at the top of their lungs to be heard.

**Dwayne:** "Gotten a—!"

_Rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnnnnggggggggg!_ The noise drowns out Dwayne's voice.

**Gladys:** "Whaaaat?!"

**Dwayne:** "A promotion!"

**Gladys:** Come again?!"

**Dwayne:** "I've!—"

_Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!_

**Gladys:** "Yes...?!"

**Dwayne:** "Finally!—"

_Dingdong!Dingdong!Dingdong!Dingdong!Dingdong!Dingdong!Dingdong!Dingdong!_

**Gladys:** "Uh-huh...?"

**Dwayne:** "Gotten a!—"

_Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong!_

**Dwayne** (in rage over the doorbell, not in excitement)**:** "PROMOTION!"

**Gladys** (ditto)**:** "That's GREAT, honey! I'm so proud of you!"

_Ding-dong! Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong!Di-dong! Rrrrrrinnnngggggg! Ding!—_

**Dwayne** (while practically ripping the door open)**:** "Thank!—"

—_Dong!_

**Dwayne:** "—You!"

And with that, Dwayne lashes out with his cane and Gladys slugs her fist into—

"Hello, fellow Cameloteans!—"

—Donna Stevenson! By the time Dwayne and Gladys let out a gasp, the new President of the Homeowners Association is knocked onto the wooden floor of the porch. She's still conscious, but doesn't get up until the pain slowly subsides...and building up the intensity of what will follow.

Gladys and Dwayne seem to shrink in size with each word that Donna yells.

**Donna:** "What—"

She brings up her left arm, slams her palm on the wooden surface, and keeps the elbow upright.

**Donna:** "_Is_—"

She brings up her right arm, slams her palm on the wooden surface, and keeps the elbow upright.

**Donna:** "_THE_—"

Like a deranged horror movie ghoul—and Dwayne and Gladys react like it too—she brings herself to her feet in one slick, almost mechanical, motion.

**Donna:** "_MEANING!—_"

She takes a step forward, cracking the wood beneath her foot in the process."

**Donna:** "_OF!_—!"

The She-Hulk doesn't step into the doorframe, she smashes through it!

**Donna: **"_**THHHHHIIIIIISSSSSS?!**_"

While saying the latter, the woman's voice is so loud and so powerful that the roof of Dwayne's and Gladys's house leaps five feet into the air and then comes neatly back down when Donna stops screaming.

Donna is ready to unleash an atomic-bomb-worth of fury onto the cowering couple.

Knowing they're in for a world of hurt, Dwayne and Gladys sputter out the one thing, the _only_ thing, that they have left of their strength and dignity in the whole universe.

**Dwayne and Gladys:** "I WANT MY MOMMY!/DADDY!"

* * *

As the inside of the house fills with the sound of a one-sided and unfair fight—along with the sound of explosions for some reason—the hedgies emerge from their hiding spot within the bushes at ground level and to the left of the front porch's bottom step. As they high-four each other, laugh, and speak various words of praise, it is no surprise that they were responsible for ringing the doorbell. They had sprayed themselves with Dwayne's cologne and Gladys's perfume that they "borrowed" to mask their animal scent so as to avoid being sniffed out. They had taken turns ringing the bell with the taller ones holding up the shorter ones, and the slower animals starting off and the faster ones ringing it when a quick hide back in the bushes was needed. When Gladys and Dwayne LaFontant had decided to foolishly stand near the front door, the animals were able to clearly see the two humans through the four small vertical rectangular windows on the left and right of the front door. As they did that, Hammy took a gulp of Mach 6 energy drink so that he could ring the bell and go back into the bush faster than the human eye could see the deed, and to get out of sight before Donna made the last ring.

Deciding that they have done enough damage—"For today," RJ says—the animal family gathers their thoughts and prepares to stealthily make their way out of the suburbs. The task is a bit more challenging without a wooded area to run into in the event they got caught, but their "reconnaissance" that is keeping in touch with them at this very moment is spot-on accurate. They listen to the scout's instructions, wait for the signal, and then act accordingly without humans noticing any of them.

For this wasn't the hedgies first time to re-visit the El Rancho Camelot Estates since the wooded area in the middle had been demolished by the construction company that Gladys and Dwayne hired a year and a half ago. Curiosity of what had become of their original home drew them back there six months after they had moved to the Elysian Fields Estates. It was a five mile journey and with the kids traveling along, it took an hour and 20 minutes for the hedgies to go from one human community to the other, and the same amount of time on the return trip. (They couldn't use the semi-truck "Food Mobile" for the journey because there was no place to park it in the suburbs).

During their first re-visit, they had discovered that, with the exception of the never-ending hedge, there was not a single natural landmark of any kind; only human houses were there now. They had used RJ's binoculars to locate where they log once was, only to discover that Dwayne's and Gladys's house was in that very spot. On their way back to the Elysian Fields Estates, they had used birdseed to befriend birds that lived in nests located along the thicket of trees in the forest path between the two human communities. In return for the food, the birds volunteered to follow and observe Dwayne's and Gladys's routine: the days and hours when they left, when they were home, when they ate meals, when and the type of yardwork they would do, and what the interior of their house was like.

And right now, a robin's voice from 100 feet in the air says, "No humans for the next five houses. You can all take your time. Over."

**RJ:** "10-4 on that, 'Eye in the Sky 1,' over."

Because computers equipped with Skype or similar video chat devices were too large and heavy for birds smaller than crows to carry or fit into their nests—and cell phones were difficult to operate using beaks or birds' small and light toes—the hedgies kept in touch with their new ornithological friends by giving the avians walkie talkies that were no larger than a human's pointer finger. The birds would strap the electronic devices to themselves and wear them like backpacks whenever out on patrol, but a downside was that the walkie talkies' small size meant their range was short. Because of the vast distance between the two suburbs, the seven bird scout families with a walkie talkie had to do a relay system where each one is nesting at the farthest distance but still in range of the previous bird's walkie talkie, and going all the way back to the Elysian Fields Estates. Today was the day that the hedgies finally decided to act, and, oh, how they felt it was a most splendid use of their time and efforts...

By now, they have one more street to go before they leave out of the El Rancho Camelot Estates...and they can still hear the bombastic ranting from the LaFontant house that hasn't let up yet. They can also keep feeling the ground vibrations originating from that home, but just a little bit, so it's not as intense as it was when they had been closer. However, the fact that they can still feel it period is proof of how Mrs. Stevenson is really letting Dwayne and Gladys have it.

Needing to change the topic, Verne asks "So, who's up for bark and twigs tonight?"

**Hammy:** "Eww!"

**Stella:** "I'll pass."

**Rick:** "Count me and my family out."

**Rebecca:** "Same here."

**Verne:** "Just kidding. So where are we raiding from tonight, RJ?"

Several family members raise an eyebrow at how Verne asked his question in a very evenly voice tone...As if he knew, and fully accepts, that there's no way he could talk RJ out of it. But it's RJ who ends the others' uncertainty when he responds in the exact same voice tone.

**RJ:** "There's Paul's Pizzeria that's a mile away."

**Plushie:** "But we've been traveling all day...My feet are tired."

**De'Ausha:** "Mine too, and I've been using all four..."

**RJ:** "Oh, you're both just not nocturnal. But anyone who's tired can wait for us to return."

**Rogan:** "And I know of a way to make the humans inside the pizza building leave it ripe for the picking."

**Lou** (snidely and while slowly turning his head to RJ): "OR...we could always try the vending machine by Vincent's old cave..."

**RJ** (voice and face instantly go dull and monotone)**:** "Don't. Get. Me. Started. On. _That..._"

**Spike:** "Heh-heh, good one, dad!"

Spike gives Lou a high-four as RJ shakes his head from side to side, trying and failing to erase the horrible memories of how the vending machine gave him so much trouble in the past, but RJ simultaneously remembered how the malfunctioning vending machine is what made him meet his hedge family. In any case, his good mood returns by the time his dad speaks.

**Rogan:** "Like I was saying, son, your lighter can be used to activate the building's sprinkler system and fire alarm, both of which will make humans run out faster than Hammy's regular running speed."

**Hammy** (aggressively)**:** "What—did—you—say, RJ's dad?!" (Speaking like a Southern gentleman) "You, sir, have offended my honor and I am hereby obligated to defend it by proving you wrong." (Normal voice tone) "Once inside, and before you do the plan, I'll be at the bench farthest from the door and leave as soon as the first human gets up during the indoor rain shower! Then we'll see who's wrong and who's right!"

**Rogan:** "Um..."

Originally, Rogan wants to tell Hammy that none of that was necessary. But after a split second of remembering how difficult it is to talk Hammy out of something, he knows there's only one way for this to end: let Hammy do whatever crazy thing he has in mind—no arguments.

**Rogan:** "Alright Hammy, you're on."

The raccoon instantly decides to have fun with this new development too.

**Rogan **(encouragingly)**:** "The winner gets to have a full pizza all to himself."

When Hammy answers, Rogan's initial excitement is replaced—quite visibly—with the kind of primal fear an acrophobic feels when a roller coaster climbs to its highest point.

**Hammy** (with a wild smile)**:** "And the loser will have to walk backwards like a Frankenstein monster while singing 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat' through a car wash—in reverse."

**(Note: Hammy's quote was based on something said in an _Ed, Edd 'n Eddy_ episode).**

The other animals immediately look at the squirrel as if he just said the craziest thing they have ever heard, which is saying A LOT when living with Hammy for over 12 years.

**Plushie:** "I don't feel tired anymore!"

**De'Ausha:** "Me neither! I gotta see this!"

* * *

An hour later, and the hedgies had plenty of pizza to eat for dinner...And Rogan finds himself cleaner than a sparkling trophy that's been mirror-polished by a germaphobe within a habitat built for a patient with bubble boy disease, after going through a decontamination shower and sterilization bath.

The only thing that offset's his humiliation of having to go through with what Hammy dared is when his daughter comments, "Look on the bright side, dad, you probably won't have to bathe for the rest of the year."

Rogan doesn't know whether to feel distraught by Rebecca's remark, or thankful that she's inherited his side of the family's sense of humor.

Regardless, he, like the others, is looking forward to finally being able to rest for the evening. The family's destination: the burrow located at the medium-sized meadow in the woods behind Vincent's old cave. It's not much, but it's the perfect lodging for the hedgies to use that's within perfect distance of the El Rancho Camelot Estates...

...For their fun with Dwayne and Gladys has just begun.

* * *

It's been exactly 48 hours since the LaFontants have suffered Donna Stevenson's wrath...

**Gladys** (whining)**:** "And I still feel SOOOOOOOOOO sore..."

Fortunately (if you can even call it that) Donna, in all of her rampaging, had been kind enough not to hit Gladys or her husband on the head or face, and even offered to pay for the damage done to their house once she had calmed down. But the married couple's bodies feel like they have bench pressed on a binge, done a full-time job of landscaping and construction work without a lunch break, and unloaded a semi truck-load of concrete mix with their bare hands. What _does_ take their minds off the pain is the next comment.

**Dwayne:** "At least we can hide the cuts and bruises with our clothes and your makeup."

**Gladys** (in humor)**:** "If only it was that easy with your tattoo."

Dwayne flushes in embarrassment. The permanent engraving located on the part of his abdomen adjacent to the right of his belly button depicts a pink bunny and a black bunny smile-gazing at each other with a heart in between them, and words below that said "Be my Honey-Bunny." The tattoo was part of his hazing when he joined a fraternity at Verm-Tech, which seemed like a good trade-off at the time, but in retrospect was one of the most stupid things he's ever put himself through. This is particularly so considering that the rest of the initiation included attending his classes and other activities on the Verm-Tech Institute campus for a week upon shaving off his left eyebrow, wearing pants with one of the legs torn off, and dipping his arms in hot boiling chocolate. With his eyebrow grown back, a change of pants, and lots of washing at a sink to fix the other things, his tattoo is the last remaining—not to mention eternal—reminder of those...painful memories. Memories that he is trying to forget, but at least it made for some interesting talk with his beloved wife.

Speaking of whom, he also likes that Gladys has gotten through the agonizing aching and quickly regained her sense of humor that she had begun to develop once she and Dwayne started becoming closer. Before she decided to become a Verminator there wasn't a single nerve in her body that contained a milligram of funny and lightheartedness. Thankfully, interaction with Dwayne had improved her personality. And although she still has much room for improvement, she's at least gotten a good start.

But Dwayne drives the thoughts away and refocuses on what they're doing tonight.

Because their house looks like a tornado went through it, Dwayne had opted to do what he planned two days ago while driving home. He and Gladys will go out to dinner at the Smoky Flanks Steakhouse in celebration of his promotion to District Manager of Lawn Accessory Sales.

**Note: ****With the exception of the tattoo, the things Dwayne did in his fraternity hazing is based off what Weird Al Yankovic did to himself in the first episode of the **_**Weird Al Show**_**. And ****I just made up "Smoky Flanks Steakhouse," it is not a real restaurant chain that I know of. If it somehow does exist in the real world, then my use of it is purely coincidence.**

Upon reminding her of this feat, Gladys asks, "That means you're in charge of managing the business of all the products sold by the lawn accessory salespeople for a good chunk of the county, right?"

**Dwayne:** "No, sister, for the whole county."

**Gladys:** "Well I am so proud of you, hubby." (Kisses him on the cheek and replies slyly) "And I _love_ the way you call me that!" (Winks)

**Dwayne:** "Anything for you, Gladys...Anything."

The pair approaches the front door wearing their favorite semi-formal clothes. Dwayne has a solid orange golf shirt with three buttons near the top, white khaki pants, plaid socks, and lace-less brown Dockers that look more like normal tennis shoes instead of dress shoes. (Each of his prosthetic legs had an attachment for interchangeable shoe designs that could be worn). Gladys is wearing a black blouse, long dark-brown stockings, and black high heeled loafers. Dwayne steps ahead of Gladys to open the front door for her, and Gladys notices his struggling facial expression.

**Gladys: **"You don't have to. You're already having to use a cane, and with the beating we got from Donna—"

**Dwayne:** "What kind of husband would I be if I didn't treat my wife like a gentleman? Besides, I don't feel too bad."

**Gladys:** "Well if you're okay with it, then I am too...And thanks for being a gentleman, Dwayne."

He opens the door and holds it for Gladys to pass

**Dwayne** (speaking in a bad impression of a French accent)**:** "My pleasure, madam."

As they walk onto the porch, the very air they breathe is so clean and refreshing that they can no longer feel any soreness. Instead, they are energized and lively, excited to spend a good night out in celebration of a major accomplishment that will make their lives better. More income means more leisure spending, and a financially secure lifestyle where paying bills won't be as much of a pain. If that wasn't good enough, Gladys also has high hopes that she will get a promotion from _assistant_ manager to _Manager_ of the Lowe's Housing Department within a year. Their marriage certainly provided them with a lot of happiness, but when it comes to practicality they have had to be stingy in their spendings to afford their house in El Rancho Camelot. But things are starting to look up for real now.

Nothing can ruin the couple's good mood as they go down their porch steps to reach the car in the driveway...

_Whiff—_

The sound of something unstable yet heavy falling through the air at the very instant Dwayne's and Gladys's feet touch the curved sidewalk that leads to the driveway.

—_Pop!—_

The sound and impact of a water balloon exploding.

—_Splat!_

**Gladys and Dwayne in unison: **"Aaaieghhhh!"

And the two humans' clothes are covered in lime green paint! Each of the sounds, and the couple's reaction to it, happened within two seconds, but the humans don't stay surprised a moment longer. Gladys runs out into the yard and looks up at the wooden awning overlooking the front porch, ready to confront whoever did this to her and her husband. At the same time, Dwayne takes a Verm-Tech sniff of the air that ignores the aroma of the paint and grass, ready to identify the type of animals that ruined his and Gladys's clothes. Their gazes are hard and deliberate at first, but then soften up when Gladys doesn't see anything, and Dwayne can't smell the scent of any animal capable of tossing a paint-filled water balloon from the awning.

Gladys is surprisingly calm when she says, "Let's just go and change clothes. We've got plenty of time before the dinner crowd arrives at the restaurant."

Not wanting to say or do anything of the contrary that would make the situation worse than it already is, Dwayne nods and the two re-enter their home. They go up into their room, take off their smeared clothes, and put on some others...

* * *

...Their movements are not seen but rather _heard_ by Simon, Celine, Christine, Marilyn, and Claire as the bat family is stationed above the master bedroom roof gutter. They listen closely for any indication of when and where the humans will come back outside after re-dressing.

As for the water balloon culprits, Roger and Ty receive a firm pawshake and one-armed hug from Rick, after which Luby gives them a pat on the head followed by a quick head-rub. Deciding that their sons needed more sibling bonding time to break the cycle of sibling feuds, RJ had agreed to Luby's and Rick's suggestion to let Roger and Ty land the first blow instead of his and Heather's twins, or De'Ausha and Plushie. After seeing Velma give the signal from her hiding spot inside the rose bush that's in the small flowerbed at the base of the mailbox, the raccoon brothers had each pushed the water balloon so it would roll five feet down the front porch's awning. Immediately moving across the roof and to the back of the house, the two avoided visual detection while the cologne and perfume continues to hide their and the others' scents.

Besides them and the bats, the other animals gifted with superior climbing abilities (RJ, Heather, Ozzie, Hammy, Mary, Bernard, Tiger, and De'Ausha) are on the roof. The rest are hiding in bushes and shrubs on the ground level, save for Plushie who was assisted onto the roof by RJ. He and De'Ausha will have the next go at dropping paint-filled water balloons—one per animal—when the time is right.

Speaking of which, Celine, following De'Ausha's scent, flies over to the young skunat with important information regarding the family's long-time enemies inside.

**Celine:** "They're coming down right now and are going out the backdoor. Get ready!"

**Plushie:** "Can't wait!"

**De'Ausha:** "Let's move it, turtle, we don't wanna miss this!"

Hammy also zooms across the roof carrying a water balloon with Ozzie following behind with another. That way, the reptile's and feline-mustelid hybrid's ammo is at the ready by the time De'Ausha and Plushie arrive at the roof of the house below the backdoor. Ms. Annette the porcupine is inside the backyard hedge with her three daughters Emily, Rachael, and Emma, and when all four of them see what's going on the back rooftop, they know they need to watch the backdoor closely.

* * *

When Gladys and Dwayne come out, the former is wearing a dark purple dress that goes down to her knees, no stockings, and uncomfortable gray-colored high heels. Dwayne has a short sleeve button-down shirt in pattern of a checkerboard in which the two colors are baby-blue and bright pink. He also wears a gray pair of khaki pants and black rubber boots. The fusion of formal and semi-formal attire is due to the fact that, while putting on their new clothes, the two of them decided that they couldn't waste too much time changing if they wanted to beat the dinner time traffic. Hence, they put on clothes that would only be considered odd if onlookers looked at the two longer than a glance. It was a good thing that Dwayne wasn't very subconscious about what others thought of his clothes. Gladys was, but understood Dwayne's point when he suggested that people will look at him more than her with his crutches and stiff walk cycle.

Wanting to recapture the good mood, Dwayne proclaims, "So our evening ran into one small snag, but we'll rebound this time. Let's you and I go have a fun night!"

**Gladys** (grins as she is convinced by her husband's words)**:** "I'll drive."

Before moving, the two look at each other in the eyes and nod, but neither walks straight ahead. To avoid an unlikely yet possible repeat of the accident from before, Gladys creeps to the right keeping close to house's outer wall while Dwayne does the same on the left.

Too bad for them that the hedgies on the roof anticipated this, and the humans' clothes are dyed red this time. Their tempers aren't as easy to keep tamed either.

Gladys, and even Dwayne, rush into the backyard to look at up the roof to search for the mischievous varmints, snarling like a wild beasts themselves while doing so. Alas, all they can see and smell is nothing out of the ordinary.

As they go back inside to change clothes again, Gladys and Dwayne stomp up the steps to their bedroom. Once in it, they go by the window and look up and down as far as their eyes can survey given the window limiting the effort. When they look at each other again, Gladys is as vexed as ever at how there was no sign of any animals...But Dwayne has a twinkle in his eye and a sneer on his face. Gladys quickly mirrors his look and scoots closer to him before he can even tell her to do so.

Having correctly guessed her eagerness to be the same level as his, Dwayne wastes no time in whispering his plan to outfox the animals that he _knows_ are somewhere close by.

The two are very quiet...quiet enough to be unheard by most animals.

But not quiet enough to be unheard by bats...

* * *

It's Mary's and Bernard's turn to hit Dwayne and Gladys whenever the humans come back out, but the timing for Mary to go near the front door and her brother to go to the backdoor (from the bats' instruction) has been on the short side. Thanks to the bats' information, every member of the forest family has had to reapply a different cologne or perfume that Gladys and Dwayne have put on. It was especially hard to do that for the family members stationed on the ground who had to come out of their hiding places and then return before Gladys and Dwayne can exit for a third time.

But as RJ had remarked after hearing what the bats had overheard, "I gotta give those humans credit for learning from their mistakes, but a raccoon is _always_ one step ahead."

He had then proceeded to reach into his bag and pull out the appropriate cologne and perfume that the hedgies had obtained prior to coming back to the El Rancho Camelot Estates to perform their pranks.

Heather had then responded, "We'll need to make sure not to skimp out and instead give our bird friends the highest-quality birdseed for letting us know everything about those two people's house from the inside and out."

It was a statement to which everyone agreed.

But it's showtime again when the sound of the front and backdoors being opened passes through the animals' ears. Dwayne (needing to walk a shorter distance to the car with his crutches) is coming out of the front and Gladys from the back, each one sniffing hard and long before even shutting the door behind them.

This time Dwayne is wearing a yellow and red argyle shirt—quite the eyesore—with blue jeans, white ankle socks, and tennis shoes. Gladys has on a tube top with vertical brown and green stripes—another color combo that makes one's eyes hurt—Houndstooth pants, and white tap-dance boots with shafts that go up to her knees. The porcupine teens (Bucky, Quillo, and Spike at the front of the house and Annette's three daughters at the back) nearly blow their cover suppressing their laughter, having to hold their noses with their fingers which causes their ears to pop.

The two humans were counting on hearing the sound of animal laughter because they know the animals who could be doing this to them. Fortunately, neither one hears anything and also don't smell anything different...

But they realize that they have been duped again after the black paint-filled water balloons hit them!

This time, however, the pair has had _enough_, as indicated when they shout out loud, "That's it!" before storming back inside and up to their bedroom closets.

* * *

Eight minutes go by when footsteps going down the house's stairs can be heard. RJ is in the process of giving Hammy and Tiger the signal to get into position with the next serving of water balloons (filled with brown and white paint), when Christine says, "They're coming out of the front door, but hold your fire! You don't need to do that."

This made everyone on the roof face her, struck by utterly unexpected surprise.

**Tiger** (genuinely interested)**:** "Why not?"

**Christine** (chuckles)**:** "Wait until you see what they're gonna be wearing _this_ time!"

Hearing this, the rest of the family on the roof knows that there was no point in disagreeing when a bat—an animal that is _**blind**_—advises for them to literally _look_ forward to what's about to come out of the house door.

The only thing RJ does is give some quick hand signals to Ozzie and Heather who nod upon seeing him finish, and then go to either side of the house. Once there, the opossums repeat RJ's gestures for the animals on the ground of the front and back yards, telling them to "Hold fast" with a balled fist, and to get their "Camera's out" by pretending to take a snapshot as if an invisible camera was in their paws. The porcupines notice and get their cell phone camera's video recorders running.

Knowing that they'll be unable to contain their laughter, Bucky, Quillo, and Spike wisely decide to keep their eyes closed and give their phones to their parents, the latter being the ones who they can count on to keep their laughter in check. Besides, the adolescents can always view the video later...and they can't wait to do that.

* * *

Even before turning the front door knob, the man and woman shout again, this time in defiant challenge.

**Gladys:** "You want us to wear clothes so dreadful-looking that we'll be the laughing stock of the 10 o'clock news?!"

**Dwayne: **"FINE! But we're not gonna miss out on our dinner for _anything!_ So feast your eyes on: THIS!"

The door slams open and even Lou and Penny have to cover their noses with their fingers to prevent themselves from laughing too loud. In fact, the humans had been counting on hearing animal sounds of any kind...Whatever it took for an excuse to become vigilante (yet uncertified) verminators for one moment.

Dwayne is wearing sunglasses, a Cat in the Hat hat, and a workout tank top for men that looks like it was tie-dyed by the world's worst two year old slop-artist. The shirt also has numerous tears, one of which makes his tattoo clearly visible. From the waist-down, he's wearing teal-blue swimming trunks featuring a cartoony shark on the "posterior" giving a sly and toothy grin with words that read "Eat This" on the left and right buttock respectively. And his feet have white bunny slippers on them.

Gladys has a baseball cap on her head, and a monocle on her right eye. Her torso and arms are covered with a tacky Christmas sweater with flashing green and red lights, a tatterstall-like design, and depicting a Christmas tree, fireplace, stockings, and a little blond-haired girl. On top of the image is text that reads, "I've been very, VERY Naughty" and below it the words say "Santa better see me OR ELSE!" She's also wearing a streamed miniskirt, and pink see-through crocks without any socks.

The pair are disappointed when they don't hear or smell any sign of the animals nearby, but also won't let themselves be the only ones whose plans have gone awry.

**Dwayne: **"Yeah! Not gonna hit us with paint this time, are ya?!"

**Gladys:** "And that's because it won't matter now. There's no way any of you can make us look worse than we already are! We've turned your victory into a loss!"

There is the sound of a window being pulled open, and a third party enters the fray.

**Male neighbor:** "I swear, I'll report a Noise Code Violation 3 if the two of you don't be quiet—!"

Upon noticing the clothes Gladys and Dwayne are wearing, the neighbor smiles, his attitude making a complete reversal. He starts off making a quiet chuckle, escalates into giggling, and then laughs like a hyena after hearing the world's greatest joke.

Dwayne and Gladys ignore him and head for their car in the driveway.

**Male neighbor** (rhetorically)**:** "What kind of get-up are YOU two wearing? Ha-ha-ha!"

Being dressed even worse than Gladys, Dwayne had volunteered to drive so his mind can focus on something besides people staring at him. He finishes slipping into the driver seat and before closing the car door, he tells the man what's on his mind.

**Dwayne** (sarcastic)**:** "You're so funny, I forgot to laugh."

He shuts the door and buckles his seatbelt.

**Gladys: **"We'll still be able to get there before the line gets too long, so no need to rush too much."

**Dwayne:** "And at least we stopped those vermin from throwing any more paint on us."

Dwayne cranks the car and the engine springs to life. But as he just puts the gear into reverse, two more water balloon hit the front windshield, covering it in white and brown paint splotches.

Gladys gets out in less than a second, knowing this time that she _will_ locate the devious fleabags because the angle and location for the water balloons to hit the car makes it impossible for the rodents to have taken cover in time to avoid her line of sight. Unfortunately, her attention is immediately diverted by the sounds of the whole cul-de-sac population who have arrived to look at or take pictures of Gladys's and Dwayne's goofy attire after receiving a snapchat from the male neighbor.

She gets back into the car, buckles up again, and tells her husband in a monotone voice, "Just drive."

Dwayne is more than happy to comply, after cleaning the front windshield of most of the paint with the car's window wash spray and wipers of course. As he switches the car from reverse to forward, he makes a promise to his wife.

**Dwayne:** "We'll get those meddlesome creatures one day. You'll see..."

* * *

The LaFontant House: Three Hours Later

After an evening of being stared at, laughed at, photographed, posted on every social media network known to man, and teased by everyone and their brother, Gladys and Dwayne are more than ready to hit the hay. Their car pulls into the driveway and Dwayne parks in the garage—something the two of them will be doing forever now to avoid further paint mishaps. Their dinner-night almost ended before it began when they were nearly turned away from Smoky Flank's Steakhouse due to the clothes they had on. But after some negotiation, the couple agreed with the restaurant manager to eat outside instead of inside...whereby they became the laughing public's source of entertainment.

The humiliation of this night has convinced Gladys and Dwayne that, when they _do_ catch the hedgies again, they will enjoy punishing them..._**A—LOT**_.

They will do that...one way or the other...sooner or later...to their dying breath if they have to. That vow is as important to them as the ones they made at their wedding.

But for now, they want to put everything that's happened today behind them. All they want to do is change into their nightclothes, brush their teeth, and get some shuteye. Tomorrow will be a brand new day full of opportunities, more of which are now open to them thanks to Dwayne's raise. Of course, they need to be well-rested for their work shifts tomorrow which start at the earliest times possible.

The pair finishes their nightly routine in record time, turn out the bedroom lights, get in the king-sized bed, say their "I love you's," and kiss. They would have closed their eyes and gone off to dreamland if it weren't for a sudden aura of purple, blue, yellow, and green lights that come in through the bedroom window that overlooks the backyard. Although beautiful, the colors are bright and distracting, not to mention a waste of the electricity bill.

Knowing how much of a hassle it would be for Dwayne to go downstairs to turn the motion sensor light switch off, Gladys says, "I got this..."

But the lights go off as soon as her feet touch the floor...Only to come back on when she lays down in bed again.

This time she looks out the other bedroom window where the side of the house next to her own can be seen in order to fathom if the flickering lights is happening to the house next door. It's not...

Gladys gets her slippers on, leaves the room, goes downstairs, out the backdoor, walks 20 feet into the backyard, and unplugs the motion detection light cable from the switchbox that's embedded in the ground behind some rocks.

She smiles in satisfaction at how she solved the problem, and walks back the way she came. When she's five feet from the backdoor, she ponders, "_Wait...I _know_ I left it ajar. Why is it closed?_"

Worse is when she walks up to the doormat, turns the knob, and discovers that it's locked. Even worse: the door has been deadbolt-locked, meaning that, like the rest of the house doors at night, she needs a key to unlock it. Thankfully, like any person with common sense, she has a spare key hidden nearby for just such an occasion. She reaches under the extended retractable tray-stand on the propane grill that's four feet away from the door, but to her dismay all she feels is the empty tiny hanging hooks—without a key hung on them.

**Gladys thinking** (in panic)**:** "_Oh my Lord! Someone stole our key! They can enter our house _whenever_ they want to! They might be inside __right now!__ They might—_" (Calmly) "Or_, Dwayne may have used it to enter the house and forgot to put it back in its place. So get a grip, take a deep breath, and call him down here._"

Unlike some homeowners, Gladys and Dwayne don't have spare keys that are already in the deadbolt locks at any doors from the inside, meaning shattering a door-window won't do any good, so Dwayne is the only person who can let her in. Gladys walks over to the side of the house that puts her between her house and the one next door—the best place for her voice to reach the bedroom window.

**Gladys** (in a raised voice, but not a yell)**:** "Dwayne? I've locked myself outside the house. I could use some help here."

She goes silent, waiting to see him approach the window or call back out to her...And the sound of Dwayne's loud snoring makes her spirits plummet faster than a 700 pound man strapped to a 1,000 ton titanium block, and going as low as the Mariana Trench's Challenger Deep. In a manner of speaking, of course, but the look on her face shows as if that feat is literal.

**Note****: At 11,043 meters/6.861802 miles, the Mariana Trench's Challenger Deep is the deepest part of planet Earth.**

**Gladys** (yelling)**:** "Wake up, Dwayne! I've been locked outside, and need you to let me in! NOW!"

The snoring continues, somehow louder than before, which enrages Gladys further. She returns to the backyard, picks up pebbles, comes back to the side window of their bedroom, and starts tossing them at the window to get Dwayne to wake up. After throwing the last pebble, her hopes are rejuvenated when the snoring pauses—

—Only to be tarnished again when the snoring resumes five seconds later. She groans in anger and goes back to the backyard, coming back with a baseball-sized rock this time.

**Gladys thinking:** "_I hate to do this to my own house, but there's no other way..._"

With that, she hurls the rock which breaks through the bedroom window. The sound of smashing glass is a very effective alarm clock...for rude awakenings. When Dwayne instantly wakes up, he's so startled by the shattering that he springs out of bed and falls on the floor face-first.

**Dwayne:** "AHHH! We're under attack!" (Frantically) "Gladys, call the police! Call the fire department! Call the army, navy, and air force! Call the FBI! Heck, call those shady schemers at the CIA!—"

Dwayne would have rambled more if he didn't hear a rising scream from outside saying, "IIIIIIIIIII'MMMM OOOOUUUUUTTT HEEEEREEEE, YOU DOOFUS!"

Dwayne recognizes the voice without any difficulty. Because his prosthetic legs are in the shoe closet and he's currently prone on the floor, he just raises his voice rather than dragging himself over to the broken window and standing up.

**Dwayne:** "G-Gladys?! YOU did this to our window?"

**Gladys: **"I got locked outside, and you wouldn't wake up no matter what I did."

**Dwayne: **"You mean you locked yourself outside the house...? That's not like you."

**Gladys:** "I didn't lock _myself_ outside—Ugh, never mind. Just get down to the front door and let me in!"

**Dwayne:** "Alright. Hang tight."

It takes Dwayne a total of 10 minutes to crawl over to the shoe closet, put on his legs, pull himself off the floor, and head downstairs to unlock the door, but Gladys couldn't be happier...

* * *

And the same goes for the hedgies whose plan of getting back at the individuals responsible for their and other animals' past miseries is going better than they thought.

For this endeavor, Rogan, Luby, Heather, and Rick had taken cover behind the small toolshed located between the front and back yards on the house side opposite to the one Gladys had used to wake up Dwayne. They had emerged when the woman had moved past the concrete patio and started walking on the grass toward the motion detection light switchbox. The three raccoons and one opossum then quickly swiped the hidden spare key, stood on shoulders so that Rick could deadbolt the door, and ran behind the shed again. All four were ready to move in case Gladys came over to their side instead of the side where her bedroom was, but when she did not, the animals are grateful once again for their spy birds' "Intel" as RJ had put it.

As the nickname implies, the 29 other hedgies have been inside the hedge, laughing and smiling the whole time.

**Mary:** "This is most fun I've ever had in my whole life, daddy!"

**RJ:** "Glad to hear that, Mary." (Fist-bumps his daughter)

**Verne:** "Well, I'd say that about wraps up things for this evening."

**Rebecca:** "Are you kidding? The night is still young and they still have no idea where we are."

**Ozzie:** "I believe that as long as we don't take it too far or risk getting caught, we should keep at it."

**Verne:** "So what else is there we can do to those two tonight?"

**RJ:** "No worries, Verne, I have a plan."

The family listens closely and their faces brighten in marvel of what will happen next.

* * *

After re-entering the house, Gladys and Dwayne have decided to repair the broken window in the bedroom with a large piece of plastic tarp and duct tape. Dwayne would normally be the one to such home improvement work, but because the task is incredibly simple, Gladys, who is also faster than her husband, decided to go get the materials from the garage and do the job herself. That way, Dwayne could take his time in getting back upstairs. It's crude, but they need to get some sleep ASAP.

Outside in the backyard, the hedgies are ready to proceed with their next fun activity...That is, fun for them, but not for Gladys and Dwayne.

**RJ: **"Okay Hammy, you're on!"

**Note****: The following caper is based on the **_**Over the Hedge**_** comic strip dated May 26, 2013.**

Gladys is currently in the bedroom and Dwayne is halfway up the steps when the backyard motion detection lights suddenly flash on again. Only this time, the lights are white which are three times brighter (and distracting) and use three times the electricity as the colored ones from before; an even greater waste of the power bill.

Even though Gladys wasn't facing the direction of the backyard lights, the brightness distracts her enough to make her misapply the duct tape by putting it on an awkward place that leaves the tarp too loose around the window.

**Dwayne:** "I thought you unplugged the cord from the fuse box?"

**Gladys: **"I _did_."

* * *

In the backyard, there is a _Click_, and the lights go out.

_Click_. The lights come on, and Hammy is in a midair pose that looks like he's standing up and running with his front/ventral side facing straight up (in the direction of the sky) and his back facing toward the ground.

_Click_. And everything goes dark.

_Click_. The lights come on, and Hammy is posed in midair as if he is sitting down with his arms crossed and he has a closed mouth grin on his cute little face.

_Click_, and everything goes dark.

_Click_. The lights come back on to reveal Hammy in a midair pose where he is sitting Indian-style with his paws out to his side as if in mediation.

_Click_, and everything goes dark.

_Click_. The lights come back on.

As Hammy does several cartwheels in the air, the hedgies look from the safety of inside the hedge at the yard where Hammy has been jumping on a trampoline.

**Rebecca:** "I taught him how to do that."

**Verne** (who wakes up from sleeping)**:** "*Yawn* So how's tonight's motion detector test going?"

**RJ:** "It works."

**Gladys's voice from inside the house:** "Will you _please_ go see what's moving out there?"

**Dwayne's voice from inside the house:** "I'm going! I'm going!"

RJ uses his paws to signal Hammy to hide.

**RJ:** "It works _very_ _well_."

**Rick: **"Time for Step 2."

**RJ** (nods)**:** "Becca, get over here."

* * *

**Note****: The remainder of the caper is based off an **_**Over the Hedge**_** comic strip that I forgot the date for. If you want to see it, there's a 2-D animated YouTube video of it titled "Hammy explains it all for you and Pirouette," the latter being what you're about to read.**

It took Dwayne about two minutes to go back down the steps and reach the kitchen window that looks out into the backyard.

**Dwayne** (raised voice so Gladys can hear him from the kitchen)**:** "Alright, I'm in the kitchen."

**Gladys** (raised voice so Dwayne can hear her from the bedroom)**:** "Well then, what's causing the motion lights to flash?"

Dwayne peers out into the yard carefully, his eyes squinted and his body ready for the flash that will soon happen. When it does, he sees something suspended in the air, spinning at blinding speed. When it stops (still in midair) he sees an all-black raccoon wearing a purple tutu and in the pirouette ballerina pose; the arms making a circle around the head, and the right leg raised high as if doing the splits while standing on the left leg.

**Gladys's voice from the bedroom:** "The lights just flashed. What is it?"

**Dwayne** (sighs)**:** "You don't wanna know..."

**Gladys's voice from the bedroom**: "Well, I just finished with the window and we both need to go to sleep. So I say we ignore the lights for the rest of the night, wear bed eye masks, and simply pay whatever extra cost comes up in the power bill."

**Dwayne:** "Fine by me."

* * *

The hedgies congratulate Rebecca when she gets back inside the hedge. Knowing that Dwayne would have acted if he recognized Rebecca, she had taken off the red ribbons tied around her ears and the others had covered her in charcoal from RJ's bag to conceal any physical markings before doing her ballet maneuver.

**Rebecca: **"What score did I make?"

**Penny: **"Jeepers, I almost forgot." (To the others) "Judges...?"

Lou, Rogan, Sarah, Annette, and Heather hold up 3x5 index cards that show the respective score of 8/10, 9.5/10, 10/10, 8.5/10, and 9/10.

**Rebecca:** "Really? You're not just giving me the scores because you're my family, are you? I felt like my form was a little off, my right leg wasn't aligned with my left leg, and my head was raised too high..."

**Ozzie:** "Fret not, child of Tchaikovsky's lost art. You were simply marvelous, like poetry in motion. Your grace, your stance, your form...all of it screamed exquisite perfection."

**Stella:** "Soooo, in other words those scores aren't exaggerations, kid."

Rebecca smiles, then her nose feels irritated by the charcoal covering her whole body.

**Rebecca:** "I'm, like, so gonna wash off once we're sure that man and woman are asleep."

**Velma:** "We also need to head back now, if we stay here any longer I'm gonna fall asleep."

**RJ:** "We don't _have_ to leave, Velma. We still have their house key, remember? So there's a luxury hotel awaiting all of you diurnal animals" (pointing toward the house) "right across from us."

**Annette:** "How much perfume and cologne do you still have?"

**RJ:** "Plenty for everyone, so there's no fear of us getting caught."

**Rick:** "Wait a sec...You said their house is a hotel, right? Well, how about all of us nocturnal animals 'spruce it up' a bit?"

**Rogan **(face full of fun mischief when he sees where Rick is going with his idea)**: **"Yeah, we can turn their humble abode into a funhouse for us..."

**Sarah** (ditto)**:** "...And a horror house for them!" (Points toward the bedroom window)

**Spike:** "Give me and my brothers some caffeine! There's no way we're gonna miss out on this!"

**Rick:** "Speaking of missing out, where was the lightning bug when I came up with my idea?"

The others become just as puzzled as Rick. But the answer comes soon.

**Tiny voices:** "The nightshift overslept. Improvise on your own! The lightning bugs have spoken!"

When no one can think of a witty comeback, the hedgies move out from the hedge and walk over to the house of their old enemies.

* * *

**Note****: The following caper is loosely based on scenes from **_**Tyler Perry's: A Madea Halloween**_**. **

_Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!_

_Tak_.

Gladys hit the snooze button on the bedside clock while musing, "4:40 AM already?"

Lowe's opened at 6 AM, and she usually gets up early enough to drink some coffee, eat breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, and head out at 5:30 for a twenty minute drive, and then arrive at the store with 10 minutes to spare.

Gladys is a punctual woman and a real stickler for following a scheduled routine. So naturally, she doesn't give her question much thought, and instead gets out of bed quietly so she doesn't wake her husband, tiptoes out of the room, then down the steps. As she arrives in the kitchen she finds it odd how she can't already hear the machine pouring the coffee. But a glance at the coffee maker's clock displaying 2:10 AM raises the strange level to a new parameter.

She checks the stove clock for extra measure and sees that 2:10 AM _is_ the correct time. Believing the whole ordeal to be a random mistake, she simply heads back upstairs and gets back into bed, not letting the bedside clock reading 2:11 AM distract her.

After five minutes, she wakes up on her own after feeling very thirsty. When she gets up to go into the bathroom to drink from the sink, she feels like she's in a sauna. Dwayne even wakes up, covered in sweat.

**Dwayne:** "Did you turn the heat on too high?"

**Gladys:** "No, I just felt it too. I'll go check the thermostat."

When Gladys get into the hallway where the control unit is, she sees that it's on 90 degrees Fahrenheit. She turns it back onto "Cool" and sets it on 70 degrees. She gets back in the bedroom and under the covers, then Gladys and Dwayne sleep for another five minutes. They would have slept more, but the feeling of the room becoming as cold as an ice cube wakes them up. When they speak their breath is visible as mist vapor comes from their mouths.

**Gladys** (through chattering teeth)**: **"Brrrrr. It's f-f-freez-z-zing. I only had it on 70."

**Dwayne:** "First it's t-t-t-too hot. Then too c-c-c-cold. Wh-what's g-going on h-here?"

Gladys goes back into the hallway, turns the thermostat from 30 to 70, gets back in bed, and then closes her eyes along with her husband. The room temperature goes back to normal in three minutes.

"_Fiuooooooooo!—BOOM! BamBamBamBamBamBamBamBamBamBamBamBam!_"

The married couple jolts awake when their TV suddenly comes on playing a battle scene from a war movie at full volume. Gladys covers her ears while Dwayne reaches into the nightstand drawer by his side of the bed to get the remote out, and turns the TV off.

When it's done, Gladys looks at him funny to which Dwayne replies, "I have no idea how it turned on. The remote was in the drawer."

The two rest their heads back down, but before they can even fully close their eyelids, the TV abruptly turns back on showing a horror movie scene where the victim is screaming at the top of her high-pitched lungs going, "AAAAAAIIIIGGGHHHHHH!"

Dwayne turns off the TV again, and Gladys walks over to the stand to unplug it from the wall.

Dwayne nods at Gladys when she smiles at him on her way back to bed, the latter telling him, "Problem solved."

They rest their heads back down on their pillows and close their eye...again. They get about 10 minutes of shut-eye before hearing a low growl coming from the spare room across the hall from their room. The growl sounds like nothing either Verm-Tech graduate has ever heard...anything _alive_ that is. It sounds miserable, full of pity, and anguish—the sound of something dying.

**Dwayne thinking:** "_It's probably the TV downstairs sporadically coming on like our bedroom one did._"

Neither human opens their eyes...an act that isn't taken lightly.

The growl happens again, and sounds like it's coming right outside their bedroom door. Its tone has changed too. What first sounded like something in misery, now sounds angry and accusative...Something that is directed toward the humans in the bedroom.

**Gladys **(whispering)**: **"What's that sound?"

**Dwayne:** "Who cares? Ignore it and go back to sleep."

Gladys almost does just that, but then her eyes see something that makes her heart jump: Looking at the small gap at the bottom of the bedroom door, the moonlight coming in from outside the hallway is engulfed in a shadow...A shadow that doesn't move.

**Gladys** (in fear)**:** "D-D-D-Dwayne...?"

**Dwayne** (dryly, not liking that he's not getting any sleep)**:** "What it is?"

**Gladys** (in fear and while pointing)**:** "There's s-something right there. At our door…"

Dwayne notices the shadow and his senses go on full-alert. The growl happens again.

**Dwayne:** "Go get my legs and cane..."

Gladys cautiously gets out of the bed and over to the closest where she gets the prosthetic legs with tennis shoes on them. Dwayne puts them on and gets the cane Gladys holds out to him. He nods at her and grabs the torch flashlight in the drawer on his side of the bed and gives it to her, both of them ready to wield the objects in their hands like baseball bats to bludgeon whatever is out there. When the couple notices the shadow starting to move away, they quicken pace and fling the door open.

There's nothing directly in front of the door, or on the right side of the hallway...But on the left is the thing of nightmares!

They see a raccoon with sickly-looking, and greasy fur; something that's been dead, buried, and had come climbing out of the grave like a zombie. The animal is walking, no, crawling. _No_, dragging itself down the hall using its forepaws...the reason is because its hind legs look crooked. And despite the faded fur coloration and dark brown spots of dirt, the humans can still clearly make out a stripe going all the way down to the tail.

**Dwayne:** "Is that—?"

**Gladys:** "THE raccoon's—?!"

**Dwayne and Gladys in horrified unison:** "Ghost?!"

As bizarre as it seems, there's no other explanation. The mammal doesn't notice the two and keeps dragging itself as if it never heard their voices. It turns to the left when a closet door in that direction mysteriously opens. Before entering, it looks at the two humans who feel a chill run down their spine when they see that its eyes glow green like the cat from that horror movie about a man who unleashes the curse of an animal graveyard. The raccoon hisses then drags itself into the closet, Dwayne and Gladys following after it. When they open the door, Gladys reaches up to grab the strand that will turn the light on.

_Click!_

And a sickly-looking red squirrel drops from a shelf above and onto the floor. It lays prone for a few moments, then chomps its teeth. It chomps again, and again, and again, each time its head turns like the seconds hand on a clock slowly toward the human couple. Dwayne and Gladys shut the closet door and slide a nearby lampstand in front of the closet to bar it. They return to their room, close and lock the door, and decide that they've had enough sleep for tonight. Heck, they wouldn't go back to sleep even if they would win a million dollars, not after what they had just seen.

**Gladys: **"I'll shower first since I have to leave first."

**Dwayne:** "Fair enough. I'll go ahead and shave." (Lightly, in hopes of brightening the mood) "I need to look my very best on the first day of my new job."

Gladys half-smiles and proceeds into the master bathroom. Dwayne waits until he hears the shower running before entering himself. The bathroom has two counters parallel to each other on either side, with one being Dwayne's counter, the other being Gladys's, and both have their own mirror. Past the two counters (at the very back of the room) is an offshoot door to the right with a toilet, a bathtub in the center, and a shower on the bathtub's left.

With the glass block shower door closed Dwayne goes to his sink, reaches into the cabinet containing his toiletries, and pulls out a razor and shaving cream. He applies the shaving cream, turns on the faucet with the drain seal closed, and starts shaving. Even with the bathroom door ajar, the steam from the shower and sink quickly fog the mirror, causing Dwayne to reach out to wipe it so he can see what he's doing.

But he stops when letters suddenly appear on the mirror. The letters curve and move as if someone or something is writing them at this very moment, but Dwayne isn't the one writing them and there's nothing else near the sink that could be doing it either!

When the writing stops, the words say "U disposd of us as inhumainly as possibl."

Beside the last word and before Dwayne's very own wide-eyes, an image of a raccoon, turtle, squirrel, opossum, skunk, porcupine, bat, and cat are drawn onto the mirror. The images and writing disappear in the next wave of steam and when the mirror is covered in it again, the writing continues.

"U destroyd our home and bilt urs over ours."

A drawing of a log appears on the mirror under the sentence, is crossed out with an X, and a 2-D picture of a human house is drawn next to it.

More words are written below that which say "Ur n our land...That u took...GET OWT! Get owt, NOW! Or we'll haunt u 4evr!"

Dwayne screams and runs out of the restroom.

Immediately, Gladys turns off the shower, cracks open the shower door to reach the towel hook, wraps the towel around herself, steps out of the shower and asks, "What is it, Dwayne?"

Her eyes quickly lock onto the steamed mirror and the words scrawled onto it. After reading it in her head, she asks, "What in the world—?"

Then the bathroom lights go out, leaving her stuck in the pitch-black darkness.

**Gladys:** "This isn't funny, Dwayne. Turn the lights back on, NOW."

The sound of wobbly footsteps hurrying down the hallway confirm to her that Dwayne wasn't the one who turned the bathroom lights out. Her thoughts recall the message on the mirror and she puts her feet down on the bathroom rug—only to slip on the marbles that are underneath it and fall flat on her face. Her adrenaline enables her to get up and she frantically reaches out with her hand and walks forward stiffly, struggling to get her bearings in the suddenly unfamiliar bathroom. She slips on the water puddle that's forming on the floor from the overflowing faucet that Dwayne, in his haste, had forgotten to turn off. But her hand also grabs one of the wall cabinets which prevents her from falling on the floor. The lights come back on, and when the cabinet doors fling open she becomes covered in makeup that pours all over her.

Her face looks like a hilarious combination of clown face paint, William Wallace's blue war paint, and a tribal witchdoctor. She reaches for the doorknob and exits the bathroom. The instant she's out, a sickly-furred bat falls on top of her head while screeching, making her scream in response. She runs into the bedroom, gets next to the bed, and dunks her head forward to make the bat come off. It falls off of her, but she wastes no time in making a run for the door in hopes of joining Dwayne out in the yard—not caring that she's still in a towel.

But her foot contacts something hard...something that compels her to look down in order to see what it could be. It's a turtle shell, with only two legs protruding out of it. Beside it is another turtle shell that has only arms sticking out of it. Lastly, there's a turtle shell with only a head sticking out of it, and with the same green glowing eyes as the ghostly raccoon.

She backs up and stops in her tracks at the sound of an otherworldly screech coming from the floor behind her. She turns around to see one adult and three adolescent bats with sickly-fur, dull blank eyes of a blind animal, and sharp-looking fangs hunched on the floor. Before Gladys can try to stomp on the ghoulish bats, they take flight and immediately start dive-bombing her. They don't bite her, but prevent her from going any direction they don't want her to.

She quickly becomes cornered to the wall whereby the bats now fly around her like circling vultures, slowly getting closer and closer with each full pass. Gladys falls to the ground and, unable to take it anymore, lets out a scream so loud that it could rival Jamie Lee Curtis's title as the "scream queen."

* * *

After leaving the bathroom, Dwayne has descended downstairs. While doing so, he notices the lights in the whole house flickering on and off at sporadic rates and in random rooms.

**Dwayne thinking** (in panic)**:** "_The ghosts of the animals that Gladys and I have verminated have come back to haunt us! Gotta get out! GOTTA GET OUT!_"

Now on the first floor, he makes a break for the front door, but even in his paranoid rushing, something in the living room catches his eye. He turns to look...and yelps when he sees two adult possums and two small raccoon-possum animals (all with sickly fur) hanging lifelessly by their tails which are wrapped around the fan blades. They also smell like roadkill, causing Dwayne to hold his nose with his left hand. As soon as he looks down to shut the image out of his mind, he sees a sickly-furred skunk and a sickly-furred half cat half skunk offspring walking erratically backwards with their tail raised and making warning grunts.

**Dwayne: **"No. No! NOOOOO! Not _this_ time! I'm going out the other door!"

When he turns to make a dash through the wide hallway leading to the kitchen where the backdoor is, he sees four sickly-furred raccoons—two adults and two kits—jittering and chittering toward him with foamy mouths. Dwayne decides to take his chances of getting rabies—"_It's curable!_" he assures himself—and goes toward the raccoons. He avoids them and when he enters the kitchen, a noise from behind draws his attention to the way he came. He sees three adult and three adolescent sickly-looking porcupines growling and waving their tails threateningly at him. They also block any retreat into the front of the house, meaning that Dwayne, who cannot jump with his prosthetic legs, is left with only one way out of the house via the backdoor.

As soon as he takes two steps forward into the kitchen, he's hit with a bag of flour that was thrown by a sickly-looking cat on a shelf and hobbling on three paws. The impact of the flour bag blots our Dwayne's vision, causes him to lose balance, and he falls against a counter, his body going into a slouching position as is sinks lower.

When he takes off his glasses and wipes those along with his eyes, he opens the latter and makes out a blurry image of what looks like two adult and one adolescent raccoon from above crawling down to him like spiders. When he puts his glasses back on, he screams as he can clearly see (and confirm) the horrible sight. Each of the three has sickly fur and drooling with barred teeth.

The sight of back door—so close yet so far away—that what was once salvation-inspiring, now seems like the roof of a coffin...His coffin.

Knowing that his handicap will prevent him from getting up fast enough to avoid the animals, Dwayne screams for all he's worth, joining the one his wife makes upstairs in a horror trope duet. Both humans' minds can't bear it anymore, and they faint on the spot.

* * *

In the attic of the house, Bucky, Quillo, and Spike sit together in front of a laptop that's been hooked up with the house's electric systems. Those resources in addition to installing small webcams in all the rooms of the house, had allowed the prickly rodents to control everything that ran on electricity so they could carry out their pranks and mind games.

Seeing on a camera that their adversaries have passed out, the three sibling stand up to revel in victory.

**Bucky:** "Booya! We got them _good!_"

**Quillo:** "The score of this week: animals four, humans zero!"

**Spike:** "Yes! Yes! _I_ am the _King_ of Electronic Mayhem!"

**Bucky** (quizzical)**:** "Huh?! _You're_ the king?" (Coolly) "Not a chance, little bro. You wouldn't have been able to see where the humans were if it weren't for ME installing the cameras in the ceiling of every room."

**Spike:** "We're triplets, bozo. You're not older."

**Quillo:** "Roast! Bucky came out of mom first, then me, and you were last. You _are_ the little bro, _little_ bro. Besides, I worked harder than either of you in hooking up the laptop to the house's main electric systems. If anyone's the King of Electronic Mayhem, it's me."

* * *

As the siblings continue to argue in the attic, the sight of Dwayne's passing out draws commentary among the opossums who have stopped emitting the foul smell they do whenever playing possum with intensity.

**Ozzie:** "I don't believe it, we actually made him play possum…!" (In a voice of on par with a certain cynical TV contest judge from years ago) "And they were absolutely_ dreadful_ at it."

**Heather:** "You can say that again. They had, like, no theatric drama whatsoever."

**Bernard:** "They didn't put any heart in it, either."

**Ozzie:** "Now that I know who William Shakespeare is, I can say for certain that he is rolling over in his grave right now because of these two humans' lackluster and travesty of a performance."

**Heather:** "I agree, dad. Murder has been committed this morning...And the victim is the art of drama."

**Ozzie: **"Though they have moved on, even the dead hear and see things from beyond the grave. And, oh, how these humans have no respect for the dead..."

**Mary:** "Grandpa, you just said 'dead.' "

**Ozzie** (gasps)**:** "You're right…Uh!" (Faints)

Like a stack of dominoes, Heather, Mary, and Bernard let out an "Uh!" and faint one-by-one in respective order.

Nearby, Roger asks his parents a question.

**Roger:** "Can we keep on the whipped cream for a little longer, mommy and daddy?"

**Ty:** "Too late..."

Luby, Roger, and Rick look over at Tyler who's already licked off the whipped cream around his mouth.

**Luby:** "We'll just get you some more from RJ's bag when we meet with him."

**Roger:** "Huh? No way is my little brother gonna get extra whipped cream. I'm getting some more too!"

Roger licks his lips to clear off the yummy pastry topping, and his parents are glad the exchange between their sons didn't become confrontational.

Meanwhile, Penny, Lou, Annette, Emily, Rachel, and Emma carry on their own conversation.

**Rachel:** "As much fun as that was, I'm really looking forward to taking a nice bath to wash out the spit in our fur that we used to make ourselves look like zombies."

**Emma:** "But since we're porcupines, at least we only had to do that to our fronts and not our quills.

**Penny:** "This whole ghost-animal prank reminds me of the story Hammy told us when RJ did the same to his fur to him look rabid."

**Lou:** "Now I understand why Hammy found it so fun."

**Tiger:** "With us doing the same to our mortal enemies, it makes the fun all the more pleasurable of an experience."

**Annette:** "That reminds me, doesn't the fact that we're doing this to your ex-owner bother you in any way, Tiger?"

**Tiger** (shakes his head)**:** "Not in the slightest, Annette. I take no qualms in harassing my former master. None whatsoever. She is a nefrat-angiz (نفرت انگیز) ḵāʾin (خَائِن), and in my home country those such as her are must be justly punished. She has more than earned everything we do to her. She brought this on herself from the moment she was willing to verminate me and the rest of you at Verm-Tech last year."

**Note****: nefrat-angiz/**نفرت انگیز **(pronounced nefra-taun-gheez) **_**is**_** the Persian word for "despicable," and ḵāʾin/ **خَائِن **(pronounced ha'en) **_**is**_** the Persian word for "traitor/betrayer." They are NOT words I made up just for funsies. ****Surprised? GOOD! (Hope I got a laugh out of ya, because it was a PAIN searching the internet for how to verbally state and to write down those word pronunciations in the English alphabet while still ensuring they sounded like their Persian dialect).**

**De'Ausha:** "I kinda wished we could'a gassed him, mama."

**Stella** (to her daughter)**:** "There will always be another chance for that, De'Ausha. Always..." (To the others) "And is it me, or did this man here" (points to Dwayne) "scream more like a woman than his wife did?"

**Emily** (snidely)**:** "Woman? More like a girl!"

**Rachel:** "Ooo! Good one, sis!"

**Tiger:** "You're absolutely correct too."

* * *

As the ones downstairs join the giggle fest, another conversation is going on in the master bedroom among Verne, Velma, Plushie, Simon, Celine, Marilyn, Christine, Claire, RJ, and Hammy.

**Verne: **"Can you help me take these contacts out of my eyes, Velma?"

**Plushie:** "No way, Uncle. Keep 'em on, they look good on ya."

**Velma:** "Oh Plushie, you kidder. The green eyes look so tacky with his green scales."

**Marilyn:** "Thanks to us being blind, we didn't need any contacts to look scary."

**Simon:** "How was it falling onto the woman's head, Celine?"

**Celine:** "I had to use my wings to avoid a hard landing since the hair was wet and not all fluffed up, but it smelled wonderful. She may be an animal-hating lunatic, but at least she uses some _really_ good shampoo."

**Claire:** "We had an even better time flying around her!"

**RJ:** "All you were perfectly coordinated too, like an airshow."

**Christine:** "What's an airshow?"

Remembering that the bats' blindness limits their knowledge of anything that is visual, RJ gladly explains in his energetic-lecture tone.

**RJ:** "An airshow is when humans crowd around an airfield and see 'pilots,' who are humans who have adapted to fly aircraft, perform stunts in airplanes. Airplanes are like giant metal birds that use engines to fly instead of flapping their wings."

**Hammy:** "Oh! I wanna be in an airshow!"

**Verne:** "Out of the question, Hammy. You may be able to drive semi trucks, but piloting aircraft is far more complex."

**RJ:** "As fun as it would be, I'm afraid Verne's right this time, Hamsquad. A squirrel wouldn't be able to operate all the buttons spaced around the cockpit either, even one as fast as you."

**Hammy** (pouting)**:** "But I like buttons! They come in pretty colors and feel so good to push whether they click hard or moosh soft!"

**RJ:** "Easy, easy, Hammy. We can always abduct another remote control plane for you to pilot like we did eight years ago when the Sniffer returned to El Rancho Camelot."

**Verne:** "I gotta admit, that _was_ a thrilling ride."

**Hammy:** "So that's a 'yes'?!"

**Verne** (nods in affirmation)**:** "Uh-huh. After all, I'm not made of rock. I know how to have fun too."

**RJ:** "But it was really fun to write and draw on the back of the master bathroom mirror for the humans to see in the front. I just had to climb through the vent shaft in the closet and reach the sawed-off wall where the bathroom mirror was hanging."

The animals turn their heads toward Gladys when she lets out a groan.

**RJ:** "Whoops...She's coming to. Let's split! Hammy, go get the triplets in the attic."

Hammy salutes while making a big smile that stretches ear to ear, then zooms off. The rest run out of the bedroom, join the others downstairs where Dwayne is also starting to regain consciousness whereby they open the back door, hold it open until Hammy, Bucky, Quillo, and Spike come down, and flee back into the hedge.

* * *

Having stayed up all night, the animal family takes all of Thursday off to rest at their temporary lodging area. When they all wake up on Friday, they contact their spy-bird friends for an update on what's been happening with Gladys and Dwayne.

Pitiable that the hedgies' most recent prank didn't cause either person to be late for his/her job, but hearing that both were scolded by their superiors for dozing while on-duty was satisfying enough. More so was when Dwayne, under pressure from Gladys, had to hire exorcists and paranormal investigators to inspect and cleanse their house of all evil spirits on Saturday...and the latter don't come cheap.

The hedgies plan on staying for another week, but Verne fears they're running out of options to use to prank Gladys and Dwayne, and holds a family meeting about the matter.

**Verne:** "We've messed with their doorbell, clothes, motion lights, and house electrical systems. What else is there?"

**RJ:** "What's the second most important commodity—right behind electricity—that every human home needs in order to survive? Water. Huddle up and listen to the plan."

* * *

Friday of the next week

It's 10:30 AM, and Gladys and Dwayne are oddly at their house. The reason is that Gladys spontaneously contracted a minor stomach virus and had to go back home. Once someone at Lowe's informed Dwayne, he decided to use up one of his off-days early and go be with her in case anything bad happened. Healthwise, nothing of the sort occurred, and Gladys was feeling much better.

Something that was worrisome: the couple's astronomically high water bill that the two were informed about by Donna Stevenson over the phone this morning. Gladys and Dwayne couldn't figure out why the bill was so high, especially since they had not left any water running while at home. To be fair, they had to water a large spot in the backyard where the grass has started drying up for some reason during the week, but they only watered it for 10 minutes and twice a day which wasn't nearly enough for their water bill to be as much as it was.

Gladys is currently laying on the living room sofa watching a re-run of a sappy TV drama that Dwayne had no interest in watching. Besides, he was more than happy to let Gladys have her me-time.

He is currently washing his hands in the kitchen sink after he had spilled soda on his hands. As he washes, he notices something strange about the facet: the water isn't coming out nearly as strong as it normally would.

**Dwayne thinking:** "_And that only happens if the whole street is experiencing a water pipe problem, or if a lot of water is being used elsewhere in our house. And because Donna hasn't called to inform us of a neighborhood-wide water problem, it's obviously the second one._"

His thoughts are interrupted when Gladys calls out to him from the living room.

**Gladys:** "Hey Dwayne, did you turn on the yard sprinklers?"

**Dwayne:** "No. Why?"

**Gladys:** "Because I can see the sprinklers in the front yard spraying things."

Dwayne walks into the living room and sees that Gladys is right.

**Dwayne:** "I'll go check the control panel in the garage."

The door to enter the garage from inside the house is located past the laundry room which is accessible only through the kitchen, so Dwayne walks back toward the kitchen. Normally when he sets his mind on an important task, he focuses all of his energy and attention to accomplishing that and ignores all that's not involved in it. Once in the kitchen, it's pure fate that Dwayne looks forward instead of staring at the left side in the direction of the hall leading to the laundry room. What he sees causes him to stop in his tracks and redirect his attention and energy to doing something else...

* * *

**Note****: The following information from here to Dwayne's second quote below is based on the **_**Over the Hedge**_** comic strip dated April 17, 2016.**

With the lawn sprinkler system now activated by the porcupine teens' laptop that's been hooked up to the exterior house electronic switchbox, the mammal hedgies get in the backyard with bottles of shampoo. The females wear shower caps on their heads that, being made for humans, sag down to their backs. They all squirt themselves with a _Gloop!_, and proceed to lather it up. Within a few seconds after scrubbing, each of the animals doesn't even resemble animals, but instead look like animal-sized bubble piles. They wait for the water to fully rinse the suds away, put on more shampoo with a _Glook!_, scrub themselves to the point where they covered in bubbles again, let the water rinse them completely, put a third helping of shampoo on themselves, scrub themselves into bubbles, and—

"Ahem!"

The mammals wipe away the bubbles around their heads (but their bodies form the neck-down are still covered in bubbles), let the water rinse their eyes, and see the three reptiles of the family standing impatiently before them. The family understands that the turtles require more privacy to get clean because they have to take off their shells. Hence, Verne, Velma, and Plushie are tired of waiting and each hold a rubber duck, a loofa back scrubber, and a face and narrowed eyes that read "Are you done already?"

**RJ **(holding out his shampoo bottle)**: **"It says it right here to 'Wash, rinse, repeat.' It doesn't say when to stop."

* * *

As the turtles facepalm themselves, they, like the other hedgies are unaware of the eyes watching them from inside the house. As Dwayne looks through the kitchen window at the showering animals in the backyard, he recalls all the trouble that's been happening to him and his wife for the past two weeks. This makes him clench his fists in rage to the point where his hands and arms are trembling.

**Dwayne **(low and deadly)**:** "Gladys...Get in here."

Gladys gets up from the living room couch and walks to the kitchen. While on her way, she calls out to him in concern after hearing his voice tone.

**Gladys:** "What's wrong, hon?"

**Dwayne** (low and deadly)**:** "I think I now know why the grass is drying."

When Gladys arrives and looks out the window, she immediately becomes just as bitter and hateful as her husband.

**Gladys:** "Those _insufferable_..._worthless_..._no-good_..._low-down..._and _unbearably persistent_ _**scrap-bunnies!**_ I swear they are the _devil_ with fur and scales!"

**Dwayne:** "_First_ they interrupt me in sharing you news about my promotion. Then, they make us punch Donna Stevenson, which ruined our dinner-night. Then they splatter paint on our best clothes which forced us to dress like absolute morons. _Then_ they cost us a goodnight's sleep by fooling with the motion lights. _Then_ they wake us up at three in the morning by messing around with the house's wiring. _**Then**_ they scare the heebie-jeebies out of us. And _**now**_ they have the nerve to waste our water and ruin our yard! This is the last straw!"

Dwayne nods at Gladys who heads to the door that leads into the garage. He walks over to a nearby storage closet and unfolds a wheelchair that he gets into.

He'll be faster than using his prosthetic legs that way...And he needs to be fast.

When Gladys comes back in the room, she has a bladed weedeater in one hand, and a gas-powered limb saw with a 14 inch blade in the other. She gives the latter to Dwayne and holds onto the former.

The duo looks into each other's eyes, exchanging the same silent words. They were in the morally right cause here, and the animals were in the wrong. All Gladys and Dwayne have been doing is living a normal, peaceful life. That life had been endangered by the animals whose unholy antics are directed at the LaFontants alone. They have brought much pain and suffering on the married couple this week. But soon...

Soon it will finally end...

They approach the door, glance out the window and confirm that the animals are still in the backyard, and then tense up in preparation.

The door explodes open and Gladys runs out with all her strength, all while her right hand is locked down on the weedeater trigger as the device goes _VVVVRRRRRRROOOOOOOM! _Dwayne follows closely behind her even in the wheelchair, and his limb saw is running at full throttle as well. The two are dead-set on getting to the animals, the latter now turns to see the humans approaching them, but don't try to run away.

**Gladys thinking:** "_Which makes it easier for me and my husband to _**destroy**_ you!_"

The pair are so fixated on reaching the animals that the neglect their surroundings...

When Gladys moves another foot forward, she steps on an overturned rake. The long wooden handle to smack her in the head, hard. Gladys covers her forehead and takes a step to the right—only to step on the head of another overturned rake and have its handle hit her, _POW!_ right in the kisser.

As soon as Gladys hit the first rake, Dwayne hears a loud _Pop!_, and his wheelchair wheels suddenly go flat. Due to his previous momentum, and not buckling himself into the chair out of haste, he's flung forward and lands on the ground face-first.

He spits out the grass and dirt in his mouth when he props himself back up, and disappointingly doesn't see the animals in the yard anymore. But he, like Gladys (who has stood still upon seeing where the rakes are placed), knows there's only one place they could take refuge in: the hedge.

As he crawls over to his wheelchair, he discovers a homemade spike strip with short screws and plastic round cap roofing nails (with the sharp side sticking up) that are attached to a 50 inch waist belt—Dwayne's 50 inch waist belt upon closer examination. Apparently, Gladys missed running onto the strip, but Dwayne rolled right onto it.

Noticing her husband's predicament, Gladys rushes beside him and asks, "Are you ok? Want me to get your other chair?"

**Dwayne**: "No. Just give 'em one for me!"

Gladys appreciates her Dwayne's willingness to forfeit his personal revenge so that she can verminate the varmints before the latter go too far down the length of the never-ending hedge. The fact that he's willing to do so even when he has a much larger bone to pick with the vermin (that is, his lack of legs and a big forehead scar), also instills her with a tremendous sense responsibility to see this through to the end.

Only one second has gone by since Dwayne spoke, and Gladys is on her feet. Before running, she glances at him to say, "I'll save some for you too."

Without waiting for a response she picks up the limb saw, knowing it's sturdier than a weedeater, revs it up, and charges toward the hedge. While doing that, she is screaming and holding the tool over her head as if she was a deranged and hyperactive slasher movie villain—to which, in all honesty, there isn't any difference.

Now in range she jabs the blade forward and starts cutting into the hedge, all while experiencing pure bliss.

**Gladys:** "Oh-ho _**yeah!**_ I feel the adrenaline, _baaaaaaabyyyyyy!_ My hands _are_ _**viiiiiiiiibrrrrrrraaaaatiiiinnnnggg!**_"

Her eyes have a maddening twinkle in them as she continues to saw into the hedge. Flecks of leafy green shrubbery and wooden stems fly into her toothy grin that could rival the Joker's. However, this lady has gone so coo-coo that she opens wide to _deliberately_ let the ruined plant pieces enter her mouth, whereby she chews and swallows all that flies into it.

The fun lasts until a loud noise causes Gladys to immediately turn off the limb saw and end her trance of insanity. When she blinks she notices that, in addition to greenery and sticks, human hair is also covering her body. And not just any person's hair...Donna Stevenson's hair!

Living in the house behind the hedge in Gladys's backyard, the President of the Homeowners Association had been in the process of crouching down to inspect her backyard flower bed while listening to her iPod; her back to the hedge and her hair in a ponytail. When the song she had been listening to ended, she heard the sound of gas-powered landscaping tools, but shrugged it off as a case of neighbors simply doing yard work. She would have to go inspect it after the neighbors finished to ensure nothing was a centimeter too long or too short, of course, but knew that would be for later. She continued her flower inspection—a hobby of hers that had nothing to do with the Homeowners Association (HOA)—until the 14 inch saw had cut off her ponytail.

Donna could have Gladys prosecuted for violating the El Rancho Camelot Homeowners' Charter Rule 251: "DON'T operate any yard tool or equipment recklessly at any time." But the loss of her hair during her leisure time made this **personal**.

Mrs. Stevenson needed her hair to look as perfect as humanly possible to provide the standard by which all residents of El Rancho Camelot followed. She also needed to look her best when visiting residents, going to her HOA office meetings, and trying to sell new homes. It took Donna a _long_ time and _a lot_ of conditioning to make her hair look the way she wanted it everyday while on her HOA job, and she won't be able to look nearly as good with the missing hair now!

Accident or not, Gladys had just emasculated the second most important thing about a HOA President's appearance: her hair (the first being stylish clothes). Gladys had interfered with Donna's ability to do her job and to interact with people! Now Donna's mood meter has gone from Angry Rant Mode to Commence Total Annihilation Mode. And Gladys knows that just as she knows from the lack of animal fur that she missed each and every one of the vermin she intended to exact vengeance on.

Still, in a pathetic attempt to avoid someone from exacting vengeance on her, Gladys nervously smiles, drops the limb saw, and tries to put Donna in a better mood.

**Gladys **(stammering and sweating bullets in fear)**: **"Um, n-now, Mrs. Stevenson ma'am, I-I-I, uh, c-c-can explain...Well first, I'm t-terribly sorry M-M-Mrs. Stevenson. I didn't me-mean to cut y-your" (gulp) "hair off. It w-was a s-stupid a-a-a-aci...dent and completely my fault."

**Donna:** "_**You're**_ sorry about this?" (Points to her severed ponytail)

**Gladys:** "Uh...huh..."

**Donna **(grabs Gladys by the collar and hoists her up so the two are eye-to-eye in proximity)**:** "I'll make _**YOU**_ FEEL _TRULY_ SORRY about THIS!"

**Gladys thinking:** "_I HATE that group of animals...I hate them _so **much!**"

* * *

As Gladys is harboring those ill thoughts, she is unaware that the forest family is inside the hedge, currently located three houses away from the LaFontants'. Half of them had gone one way and the other half went the other direction once they made it to the hedge.

And even at that distance, the racket that ensues at the LaFontants' backyard gives them a clear vivid picture of what's happening to Gladys.

When it's over, the same thing (more or less) passes through each of their minds. The most relevant being, "_Donna's got some fresh glue-ons to apply, now. And hopefully Gladys still has her wig..._"

* * *

Saturday

It's the last day the hedgies have time to spend at the El Rancho Camelot Estates, and surprisingly, no one's in the mood to pull off any big-scale antics for today, having become exhausted from doing all the things they've done to the human couple.

It's been almost two weeks since they had arrived to torment the LaFontants, and the animals are starting to yearn for their real home at the Elysian Fields Estates. The forest family has basically been on vacation and the area they've been staying in is more like a hotel room than a home away from home: good for resting when the day is over, but isn't a place where they can spend most of their time. It's also very small for the 33 member family to occupy at once, and they've had to scrunch uncomfortably together to fit in the burrow at night.

Not to mention that the animals can't stay for too long if they want to avoid the LaFontants picking up their "old hobbies." It's fortunate that the humans haven't tried to pursue the hedgies already, which can only mean that Gladys's and Dwayne's jobs are their first priority in life now. But the animal family isn't going to be a bunch of bums today, oh no. They need to make their parting prank a memorable one. They just can't quite decide what to do...

**Verne:** "I still can't believe even you don't wanna do anything major today, RJ."

**RJ: **"What can I say? Raccoons need rest too...And the temperature isn't making things any easier."

The family nods and wipes the sweat off their foreheads. By watching humans' TVs through windows, they'd heard from the evening news that the temperature would be in the mid-90's today. And for the first time in decades, the meteorologists were right. Quite a rare occurrence indeed...

**Plushie:** "Yeah, this is some heatwave...And I'm cold-blooded and _still_ feel hot, so I know it's tough for all you who have fur."

**Sarah:** "We need to find a way to keep cool for our return trip and when we get back home."

RJ smiles as he gets a great idea, one that will solve the heat problem and in leaving the LaFontants on a high note...And this time, a lightning bug is on cue. The family turns toward their co-leader after seeing the flash above his head. They know that look.

**RJ:** "And I know just the way to do it."

* * *

**Note****: The following segment is based on the **_**Over the Hedge**_** comic strip dated August 21, 2016.**

At the El Rancho Camelot Estates, Gladys and Dwayne are in her black SUV which pulls into the driveway and then goes in the garage. They had been on two long errands, the first was seeing a doctor about her stomach virus, and the second was going to the grocery store. At the former, they had spent an hour in the waiting room and ten additional minutes for the doctor to see them in the office, but arriving without an appointment would do that. The super market wasn't much better. It was packed, they had a lot of food to restock, and had brief hello-chats with all the neighbors or friends they knew who were also grocery shopping, which was a total of 17 people. That trip took 25 minutes, and counting traveling time, they had spent a little over two hours outside the house. Now, they are so glad to be home. All they have to do is unload the groceries, find a comfy chair or sofa to sit in the living room, and watch some TV.

They enter the house carrying bags of groceries which they set down on the counter. Each knows the cold stuff needs to go first, and Gladys has the bag with those items. After taking out the first two hand fulls, she sees something that makes her yell.

**Gladys **(exclaiming)**:** "Dwayne, where's our fridge!?"

**Dwayne **(turns)**:** "Wha? We've been !#$*&amp;% burgled!"

Rephrase: she sees a _lack_ of something that makes them to enter a scream in unison.

Their refrigerator has vanished!

* * *

Behind the hedge at the Elysian Fields Estates, the hedgies are frolicking in the open refrigerator with ice spread everywhere. The icebox is laying sideways and the doors are propped open with strong sticks like a car hood prop rod. They had made the trip back home using their Food Mobile semi-truck to carry the household appliance rather than going through the pains of carrying it back by-paw.

**Stella:** "Heatwave problem solved!"

**RJ:** "I have to say, this is one of my best ideas."

Hammy pops out from under a bucket full of ice and excitedly yells, "I'm so cool I can't feel my spleen!"

The animals laugh at Hammy always stating what's on his mind no matter how random or obscure. The laughter is interrupted when one of RJ's walkie-talkies buzzes from inside his golf bag.

**Male voice:** "Come in Fur Boy, this is Relay Station 7 calling with some emergency Intel, over."

Relay Station 7 was the codename of the bird family that spies on Gladys and Dwayne at the furthest distance from El Rancho Camelot/the shortest distance from the Elysian Fields suburb. That meant Relay Station 1 had first heard and/or witnessed the Intel and proceeded to share it with Relay Stations 2, who in turn shared it to Relay Station 3, and so on and so forth.

RJ gets out of the ice, goes to retrieve the walkie-talkie, and walks back to the others before speaking.

**RJ: **"This is Fur Boy, I read you loud and clear Relay Station 7. What's up? Over."

**Male bird voice:** "Codename Big Fatso and Psycho Lady have a bun in the oven, over."

As RJ presses the button to speak, Hammy zooms up to the walkie talkie and beats him to it.

**Hammy:** "Aw, why'd you have to say that? Now I'm hungry for what those two are preparing to eat."

**Male bird voice:** "It's not that. It's a baby, over."

Everyone gasps loud and a few have their paws over their mouths in shock from the news, but no one is more shocked than Hammy.

**Hammy:** "Those monsters are baking a baby in the over?! Oh the humanity!"

**Verne:** "No, Hammy. Gladys and Dwayne are gonna have a kid or kids!"

**RJ** (to all the family members who aren't adults)**:** "Which means more fun for all of you for years to come!"

**Bucky:** "Totally awesome!"

**Emily:** "You said it, boyfriend!" (High-fours Bucky).

**Rogan:** "I'm thinking maybe we should show our congratulations for those humans too."

**RJ:** "And like always, I've got a plan. Before that, someone tell me what all human babies need?"

**Hammy:** "Diapers!"

**Rebecca:** "Toys."

**Velma:** "Storybooks."

**Rick:** "Clothes."

**RJ:** "That's right all of ya."

**Verne:** "So wait, you want to go on raids to steal those items and give them to Dwayne and Gladys?"

**RJ:** "Heh-heh. Wrong Verne. W-R-O-N-G, wrong. We're not gonna steal those, we're gonna buy those."

**Verne** (sarcastic)**:** "Bravo! Hey everyone, RJ's learned to obtain human goods the honest way!"

A few giggle, but not for long, which is perfectly fine by Verne who's more interested in knowing what RJ really means.

**Verne** (Normal yet inquisitive tone)**:** "But seriously, how will we purchase them without any money?"

**RJ:** "We'll order online," (pulls out an iPad) "using Gladys's and Dwayne's money of course...Their credit cards!"

RJ pulls out his phone which has pictures of both humans' credit cards. It's all there: cardholder names, expiration dates, card numbers, and a slide to the right of the phone screen shows pictures of the security codes on the back of the cards.

**Quillo:** "I'll go get our computer so we can order more stuff faster."

**Ozzie:** "Hold on, it still feels like we're doing something nice for those repulsive humans."

**RJ:** "No worries Ozzman. There are such things as rub-it-in-gifts."

**Ozzie:** "Like what?"

The others also lean in closely...and after hearing RJ's explanation, it makes all the sense in the world. They don't waste a moment of time in ordering items after that, and spend half an hour selecting baby products.

After a read-out of the total order and its price, RJ says (with a finger eagerly dangling over the left mouse as the on-screen arrow is at the "Place Order" option), "Let's give them gifts that'll knock their socks off, and put them into a mountain of debt!"

**Verne:** "Don't spend that much. Like you said, we want to rub it in, not destroy their lives."

**Luby:** "I agree. With Dwayne's raise the credit card debts will eventually get paid off. But just the right insult from us, that pushes all of their buttons, will last forever."

The rest of the family nods in affirmation, and RJ finds himself agreeing that quality over quantity is the way to go for this prank.

**RJ:** "Alright, let's see what to drop, what to keep, and what to add on our list."

* * *

Two weeks later

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_

**Gladys:** "I'll get it!"

**Dwayne:** "I'm already standing up too, so I'll come join ya...And our new baby inside you."

Gladys (wearing her wig, and thankful that she saved it) smiles at her husband's wink and when she opens the front door to her house, she and Dwayne see a UPS delivery man standing on the welcome mat.

**UPS man:** "Gladys and Dwayne LaFontant?"

**Gladys and Dwayne in unison:** "Yes?"

Dwayne also notices a big UPS truck that's been backed up into their driveway.

**Dwayne:** "What's with the truck?"

**UPS man: **"We're here with all the things you both ordered."

**Gladys**: "What? We didn't order anything."

**UPS man** (holds out some paper attached to a clipboard)**:** "This is your and your husband's credit card numbers, correct?"

Gladys and Dwayne examine the spot on the paper where the man's finger is pointing, and aren't thrilled at seeing their card's numbers.

**Gladys** (looks at Dwayne)**: **"Did you?"

**Dwayne** (shakes his head no)**:** "Did you?"

**Gladys:** "No."

Both look at the man before them and Dwayne says, "There has to be some sort of mistake. We didn't order anything online recently."

**UPS man:** "You're credit cards haven't been stolen, have they?"

**Gladys:** "Of course not. Mine's right here."

**Dwayne:** "Yeah, me too."

Gladys and Dwayne reach into their pockets, and she pulls out her billfold while he pulls out his wallet. The two show the delivery man their credit cards, all safe and sound.

**UPS man:** "Well...All I can say is that we got a truck full of things that you've ordered. So my only suggestion is to look through and see which stuff you want to keep, and which stuff you want to return to the UPS office for shipping back after you've settled this credit card issue."

Gladys and Dwayne stare at each other in deep thought. Their expressions go from stern to more relaxed.

**Dwayne:** "Seems we don't have much other choice."

**Gladys:** "Besides, I'm kind of curious about what's in the truck now."

**UPS man** (smiles)**:** "Just sign here. Then give me and my business associate 10 minutes tops, and we'll be done unloading."

The couple shrugs, sign the paper, and 10 minutes later, the UPS truck is moving down the street away from their house.

Inside, Dwayne and Gladys have scissors and utility knives that they begin to use to cut through the first two out of seven large cardboard boxes. They dig through the bubble wrap or packing peanuts and find, much to their chagrin, several stuffed animals toys of raccoons, turtles, and squirrels. The next two boxes are just as annoying: filled with stuffed porcupines, possums, skunks, cats, and bats.

The last three boxes contain baby girl and boy clothes that have cartoony images of the previously-mentioned animals. In addition, the raccoon shirts say "Lil Bandit;" the opossum shirts say "I'm not playing dead. I'm just sleeping;" the squirrel shirts say "I drive my parents nuts!" the cat shirts say "Aren't I just Purrrrrfect?" and the skunk shirts say "Little Stinker."

As the two let out a scream of rage, neither human sees the bird on the windowsill videoing them with a small webcam that's connected to a laptop on the ground with a cable. A rabbit has been operating the computer keys while the bird records, and the video makes its way to the hedgies' laptop at the Elysian Fields Estates.

RJ speaks for the whole bunch when he says, "Now THIS is quality entertainment!"

* * *

**Whew, longest Over the Hedge chapter I've ever written in all of my OTH stories thus far. And believe it or not, I had this one ready before Chapter 5 of my story (in autumn of 2016), and was in fact going to use it for Chapter 5, until helping out Leni0813 changed my priorities. I didn't post this chapter then because with her story focusing on the romance between Gladys and Dwayne, I didn't want to seem too redundant. Then Guava Spice Latte posted another story centering on Gladys and Dwayne, so that's when I deduced that Leni0813 has started a new trend in OTH stories and now it's my turn to contribute to that trend LOL.**


End file.
